As frustrating as it may be, your libido isnât just a switch you can turn on and off. It depends on a myriad of factors, and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, our brains and our bodies just arenât on the same page. You could be feeling like you want to have sex, but your body may be slow to catch up, if at all. This isnât something you should necessarily be stressed about, because itâs way more common and normal than you might think (and stress is a libido killer). But even though some of the factors that affect arousal are out of your control, there are a few simple actions you can take to help get you in the moodâŠ. and fast.
âArousal discordance, or a difference between your mental desire for sex and your physical arousal state, is extremely common,â says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, an expert for Lelo. Any number of factors may be to blame for this horniness disconnect, from stress to medications (hello, SSRIs) to hormones (did someone say ovulation?).
Certified sex therapist Dr. Janet Brito says you shouldnât feel shy about asking for help if you believe there might be an issue with your libido, especially if itâs causing you distress. It could be due to a medical issue, but if itâs not, then âthen seeking a psychotherapist could help you to uncover emotional blocks or explore relationship barriers that may be impacting your libido.â
She also encourages people to tune into their body and respect their desires above all else. âOnce you feel secure in your own preferences, unrestricted by societal or gender expectations, you'll be empowered to cultivate a fulfilling sexual experience,â she adds.
It should go without saying that if youâre not feeling up to the task, do not pressure yourself to engage in sexual activity only to please your partner, especially if youâre stressed or anxious. That wonât help and can really only add more stress to the equation, ultimately making matters worse.
Certified sex therapist Dr. Stefani Goerlich reiterates that we cannot separate our brains from our bodies. âThe same nervous system that controls our fight, flight and freeze response is also responsible for our sexual functioning and responsiveness. Donât try to be sexual or aroused *while* you are anxious. Let your body experience one emotion at a time.â
As you can probably tell, sexual arousal is nuanced. Here, weâre breaking down what sexual arousal is, how it can look for different people with different needs, and how to activate yours to maximize your chances of being physically ready for sex when youâre already mentally there, all with the help of tried and true experts.
But first, what is sexual arousal?
Sexual arousal is the ability to get turned on, both physiologically and psychologically. In our minds, this can include images, thoughts and ideas about having sex, and in our bodies, it can show up as vaginal lubrication, flushing, an engorged or pulsating clitoris, and muscle tension. Essentially, itâs the process of being âturned on.â
Sometimes, arousal may be out of sync, where you can feel the physical symptoms of being aroused but your mind is nowhere near the feeling of actually wanting to have sex. Dr. Goerlich encourages people to engage in mindfulness tools such as deep breathing and grounding exercises as a way to connect with themselves in cases like these.
Itâs totally normal to need a little extra help getting things started in the bedroom. So if you find yourself needing a few expert tips, we put together a master list of 46 ways to get your mind and body on the same page, which can ultimately help you get very very horny.
1.Give yourself validation.
First and foremost, be kind to yourself. We know this is frustrating, but try to remember that you are not broken, and thereâs nothing wrong with you for not being able to get turned on in a millisecond. Give yourself space to invite arousal in by taking the pressure off of yourself. Try repeating âYou are not broken,â or âmy body is beautiful,â out loud for a few rounds to help clear your mind and put you in a better, more positive headspace.
2. Practice being assertive IRL, so you can be assertive in the bedroom.
This tip isnât quite as quick as some of the others, because it will require you to give yourself some TLC over time. But once you master it, you can quickly tap into your assertive nature and use it to your advantage in the bedroom. Sometimes, getting horny can be difficult if youâre not being super clear with your partner about what you want. But we know it can be tricky to communicate your desires if you havenât practiced before, soâŠpractice! And take that practice outside of the bedroom. Correct the barista when your coffee order comes out wrong instead of dealing with it, or speak up with a contrasting opinion in a meeting at work. Becoming more assertive in other places in your life might allow you to open up about what would truly get you going.
3. Try an intimacy serum.
Think of intimacy serum as a sort of special kind of fancy lube, except these days, plenty of lube companies are upgrading their products to also serve as body care with ingredients like squalane, coconut oil, and aloe vera. âIf you have limited time, use a wipe to freshen up before engaging in a self massage with an intimacy serum to explore your body,â says Dr. Brito. âThe goal is to focus on what body parts feel good to you so that you can teach your partner in the future.â
4. Create a relaxing environment.
Light your favorite candle with sensual scents, dim the lights, and heck, why not try adding a sound machine? Living in tiny apartments or with roommates can be stressful enough; you donât need to worry about your neighbors listening to your sighs and moans when you finally get into the mood.
5. Download an arousal app.
Yup, there really are apps out there that can help you harness your horniness. If youâre in more of an âI want to learn how to rediscover my sexuality and embrace my eroticismâ quest (versus just like, âI need to get off right TF nowâ), Emjoy is definitely a good place to start. The appâs goal is to help women reach their sexual peaks by learning all about arousal, self-esteem, and desires through personalized, guided journeys. Oh, and thereâs also a section where you can listen to sexy stories which is *chefâs kiss* in a pinch.
6. Wear vibrating panties.
Where would we be without vibrating panties? The classic sex toy is a favorite for a reason, and a really good item to have in your arsenal for those times when arousal doesnât just happen. Wear a pair when youâre out to dinner with your boo. Give them the remote and by the time you leave the restaurant, youâll be aching for more.
Feel like staying in? Try wearing them when youâre WFH, making dinner, or simply chilling in the evening. Whatever your location, youâll be surprised how turned on you get by the unexpected, partner-supplied stimulation.
7. Think about a time you were really, really horny.
Sometimes a little risqué reminiscing is all you need to remind yourself that you are, in fact, a sexual being who is capable of horniness. Think back to a time when you were really, really turned on. Maybe it was during a particularly steamy sex sesh, maybe it was an unexpected, mid-day fantasy that had you suddenly reaching for the nearest vibrator. Whatever it is, just thinking about being horny and remembering what it feels like to be in that state of mind can sometimes be enough to actually get you there. IDK, our brains are weird like that!
8. Roleplay.
Not just with your partner, but thatâs not a bad idea. Instead, try role-playing with yourself by creating an ultra sexual ego. This other âyouâ doesnât have to deal with your annoying bossâs emails or the laundry piling upâsheâs simply about pleasure. Buy a wig in a different color, wear something totally out of your element, do some wild makeup, and watch yourself in the mirror as you begin to explore ~your characterâs~ body. Murphy says creating an illusion outside of your day-to-day is âessential,â and in turn, can help you break out of a dry spell.
9. Look at some super erotic pictures.
I donât know about you all, but Megan Fox and Kourtney Kardashianâs September 2021 Skims campaign lives in my mind rent-free. Itâs the definition of sexy. The brunettes shared a ton of pics in their undies, including a few where they lounged topless and fed each other cherries. If two very hot women donât do the job though, perhaps getting a super-soft pair of panties like theyâre wearing from Skims will do it instead?
10. Watch your favorite movie sex scene.
Look, sometimes movie sex scenes are legit better than porn. Your fave steamy scene from that one movie that youâve replayed over and over again? (You know exactly which one!) Cue her up!
11. Play with your nipples.
Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com, says before you dive into masturbation or penetrative sex, start by focusing on areas other than your genitals. âCaress your neck, chest, nipples, thighs, and those small erogenous zones that get ignored when you masturbate,â she suggests. Focus on touching yourself in a sensual way, and play with intensity and friction to see what feels good. You might even want to grab a pair of nipple clamps, just to see if they do a lil something for you.
12. Play the Sims.
Yup, The Sims. Like, the game you played all of elementary school and then through COVID-19 while social distancing. Download the underground Wicked Whims modification that will literally leave you breathless. Weâre taking âwatch your Sims play out your wildest fantasiesâ kind of breathless.
13. Watch Netflix.
You donât just have to watch shows for the storylines. There are a ton of movies and series you can stream full of sexy scenes. (My personal favorite, Lady Chatterleyâs Lover, timestamp: 01:02:00, you are welcome.) And honestly, sometimes the hookups on Netflix are even hotter than the stuff in porn because youâre so emotionally invested in the characters. Peruse the sexiest shows and movies on Netflix and be sure to have a vibrator at the ready.
14. Play a sexy game.
If youâre looking for a fun way to get aroused, try playing a sultry game. There are tons of different options from strip poker to role-playing adventures. You can even sexify some of the board games collecting dust on your shelf by adding some new rules. Erotic Scrabble, anyone?
15. Take a bath.
Relaxing and de-stressing is 101 when it comes to arousal, so if luxe baths are your thing, consider hopping into one before opting for sexy time. Grab a decadent scrub or soak, let the warm water loosen your muscles, and lean inâliterallyâto the faucet. Whether you actually have sex in the bathroom or hold out for a change in scenery, taking a little bit of ~you time~ will help you get in the mood.
16. âŠOr just *think* about taking a bath. (No, really.)
According to Tanner, research shows that just envisioning a relaxing and/or sexually stimulating situation, like a candlelit bath or a time you felt ultra-confident in your skin, can be almost as effective at getting you in the mood as actually experiencing those things. So if you donât have time for sexy soak, a little imagination might go a long way.
17. Do some sexy yoga.
Tantric yoga that leads to a nine-hour orgasm? Apparently, itâs possible. But even if you donât go all out with erotic poses, taking the time to do some stretching will get your blood pumping and awaken your body. Light some nice candles, take your time doing a few poses, and pay attention to how your body feels with each downward dog.
18. Sext yourself.
Sexting a partner is always fun, but have you ever tried sexting yourself? Itâs like living out your own fantasy at your fingertips. Whether you simply hype yourself up or you pretend youâre interacting with a favorite celebrity or fictional character, sending/receiving naughty texts from your own imagination is the ultimate arousal booster.
19. Or, just sext!
Yes, drafting a sext to yourself can be a fun and potentially titillating exercise, but thereâs nothing wrong with asking for a little help. Try checking in with your go-to sexting buddy (everyone should have one!) or download a sexting app where you can have an anonymous, low-stakes sexting sesh with a like-minded (read: horny) stranger.
20. Play *that* song.
You know the one. Itâs the song that makes you feel like a literal sexual goddessâwhether itâs while youâre masturbating or dancing in the club. And, yeah, it definitely does all sorts of things to your horny radar. So, put it on and let your body move to the beat, suggests Sera Miles, CEO of Pep Love, a phone sex, sexting, and erotic emailing operation. Canât think of any sexy songs? Stuff by The Weeknd, Cardi B, or Megan Thee Stallion should do the trick.
21. Compile a stash of erotic stories, audio clips, and/or images that just do it for you.
Youâll want to create a private file on your phoneâwhether via an app, the Notes tab, or a camera albumâto compile a bunch of things that turn you on for moments like this. âPop in your earbuds and listen to hot sounds while you scroll through words and pictures that do it for you,â suggests Miles. âAdd to it whenever the urge organically arrives.â
22. Exercise
I know, I know, the last thing you want to do when youâre just trying to relax and get in the mood is sweat it out for non-sex-related reasons. But according to Tanner, âexercise can help complete the stress response cycle and move you into a more relaxed and open state.â Oh, and the endorphins donât hurt either. But donât worry, weâre not saying you have to hit the gym just to get horny. âEven sixty seconds of jumping jacks can help shift your bodyâs gears,â says Tanner.
23. Activate your senses.
Because...fun fact: Theyâre directly related to your libido. Sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes suggests you do the following: Eat some aphrodisiacs (like chocolate), set the mood in your room by adjusting the lighting, turn on some music, swap your sheets to something sensual like silk, and spritz some perfume all over you that turns you on.
24. Focus on breath work.
âFocusing on your breath is the most direct way to get out of your head and into your body,â says Menezes. She suggests closing your eyes and breathing really deeply and slowly. Try different breathing patternsâlike, holding your breath in for three seconds before you exhaleâand see what feels best.
25. Create your own sexual fantasy in your mind.
Porn is great, and sometimes even love scenes on Netflix or TV can be even better. But by creating your own sexual fantasy in your mind, âthe mental images will quickly get you where you want to be,â says licensed psychologist and certified neurotherapist Catherine Jackson, PsyD. Remember: Your mind is your safe space, so feel free to explore whatever fantasies you've kept up there, unabashedly.
26. Take a consciously sexy shower.
Use your loofah, sponge, washcloth, and/or your fingers to turn yourself on. âYouâre already soapy, wet, and slippery, so your fingers will glide over your most sensitive areas even better,â explains Lords. You donât even have to masturbate just yet (although if you turn yourself on and canât help it, you do you!), but just focus on touching yourself in a gentle, sensual way.
27. Meditate.
We know chilling the TF out is often easier said than done, but it can be a pretty important step in getting yourself into a sexier state of mind. âIn order for your body to be receptive to sexual arousal, it needs to feel safe enough to experience a full state of relaxation,â says sexual empowerment coach Jocelyn Silva, an expert for Blush. To help you get into that state, Silva recommends adopting a pre-sex meditation routineâand you donât have to be a full-fledged wellness guru to get into it. âSimply taking 10 deep belly breaths (expanding and contracting your belly as you breathe) can make a world of difference and allow you to stay in the moment,â says Silva.
28. Think yourself into a sexy daydream.
Take a few moments to lie down in bed, close your eyes, and imagine a sexy, kinky, or erotic fantasy, suggests Lords. If you fall asleep and wind up having a sexy dream, awesome. If not, youâve still taken the time to indulge yourself in some hot thoughts that can steam up your next self-pleasure session or lead you to a closer understanding of what you wanna try next in bed.
29. Try out some CBD arousal products.
While some CBD arousal oils can compromise the integrity of latex barriers like condoms, if youâre by yourself simply trying to get turned on, you donât have to worry about that, explains sexologist Megan Stubbs. âMany people have reported heightened arousal, wetness, and orgasm intensityâ from using CBD sex products, Stubbs says. Try some out for yourself and see if it makes a difference.
30. Re-read your past sexts.
âSexting is a gift that keeps on giving,â explains Marion Chloe Theis, a French love coach. âItâs good in the moment, and you can always reread through the hot messages you exchanged afterward,â she explains. Sure, you might not actually be with the person you originally sexted, but the steamy fantasies are yours to relive as long as you like.
31. Turn on your self-timer and do a boudoir shoot for yourself.
âThereâs something special about the act of taking photos,â says Sadie Allison, PhD, founder of GoLove CBD. Taking photos allows you to celebrate your body and simultaneously see yourself as the coveted object of desire you are, she explains.
Put on your favorite sexy silk nightgown, fancy lingerie, or go buff, and use your self-timer to take some hot photos simply for your own use. Knowing theyâre just for yourself can also make you less self-conscious about the whole thing. Plus posing and contorting your body for your own gaze is hella hot and empowering.
32. Watch *that* Ferris-wheel scene from Insecure.
Look, donât act like you donât already know. Itâs the middle of season 2, and Issa (Issa Rae) is stuck in a Ferris wheel carousel at Coachella with Nathan (Kendrick Sampson) when the two realize theyâre totally alone, and, well, letâs just say that things ensue.
33. Get undressed in front of a mirror.
Whatâs sexier than you? Literally nothing! Remind yourself how ~hot~ you are, and turn yourself on in the most au naturel way imaginable. If it feels a lil strange, try concentrating on the physical features you love the most about yourself, like how shiny your hair is, how sparkling your eyes are, or how bomb that fresh manicure looks when itâs caressing your curves.
34. Or literally just put on some lingerie.
According to a very official(ish) Cosmo poll, most of you like lounging around in your lingerie when youâre alone anyway. Put on your laciest, strappiest, sexiest piece and the rest will come (literally).
35. Browse for new sex toys.
Sometimes just looking at new ways to get yourself off can be a horny activity on its own. Pull up a bunch oâ tabs and see which sex toys have the people talking. Pro tip: The reviews are where all the really hot and juicy stuff is.
36. Watch the middle 40 minutes of Magic Mike.
Because, um, thatâs when most of the naked grinding happens. Youâre welcome. It doesnât matter that the movie came out in 2012 (!!!). The majesty and ART of a naked Channing Tatum stripping onscreen will get the job done for generations.
37. Watch BeyoncĂ©âs âPartitionâ video.
Just do it. You know it works.
38. Listen to audio-only porn.
There are a lot of options out there by way of audio porn, so def donât knock it until you try it. There are sexy stories, guided masturbation tracks, and even sites where people can submit audio files of themselves having sex. Whatever your kink or desire, thereâs absolutely an audio option thatâll do it for you. Also, a big perk: You can listen to it on your headphones at work to be horny by the time you get home. No judgment.
39. Or listen to a masturbation playlist.
Yup, just like there are great songs to have sex to, there are great songs to masturbate to as well. The right beat can help you get out of your head and get into the right vibe. Pull the blinds, crank up the volume, and let the music wash over you like liquid horniness.
40. Browse a NSFW subreddit.
Reddit has a bad reputation for being a cesspool of misogynistic garbage, but there are also a lot of nice, sex-friendly, and very sexy subreddits that are perfect fodder for getting horny in a matter of minutes. From sultry fiction to naughty IRL accounts, this is one internet spiral thatâll result in an orgasm as opposed to like, a whole bunch of random shit from Amazon you absolutely donât need.
41. Watch some sexy, foreplay-focused feminist porn.
Erika Lust is a total badass who makes feminist porn, aka, porn in which women are the focus, and they actually look like theyâre getting turned on and getting off. Some of her videos are subscription-based, but some are free. FWIW though: For porn to be ethical (like, everyoneâs getting paid well and the safety standards are high), youâll need to pay. Which is a good thing! It helps ensure more ethical porn is made. And if Lustâs stuff isnât for you, thereâs a wide variety of ethical, feminist porn out there, most of which focuses on sex from a female gaze and not the hetero male fantasy seen in the days of yore. Hiiiiighly recommend.
42. Take a hot shower and then walk around naked like youâre criminally hot...because you are.
Youâre already naked and you look super dope, plus, thereâs water. Use really great-smelling bath stuff, put lotion on every single part of your body afterward, and just be with yourself. No texting, no distractions. Just sit with yourself in your awesome body and be present in it.
43. Take a crash course on pleasure.
All the content on OMGyes, a scientist-backed site that delivers deep dives on female pleasure, is centered around teaching everyone more about orgasms. But if you thought science couldnât be sexy, you thought wrong. Peruse OMGyesâs demonstration videos to learn more about your own bod and get horny while youâre at it.
44. Read an erotic story.
Even if you feel like thatâs not something youâd be into, sites like Your Erotic Stories and Nifty let you use popular search terms to try and figure out what you might like, and trust us, they literally have every genre you can think of. Plus, theyâre free. One of the search terms is âhunks,â so if youâre into hunks, youâre welcome.
45. Dance in your room alone.
Doesnât even have to be anything particularly sexy. Iâm not saying you should put on The Muppet Movie soundtrack, but it can be whatever you feel like at the moment. The more you move your body and feel really good about it, the easier itâll be to want to move your body in, uh, other ways.
46. Watch videos of your favorite celebrity doing interviews.
Sure, looking at scantily-clad photos can do wonders, but another way to get your mind working with your body is to actually watch the way your celeb crush moves and speaks. This can make it easier to imagine them doing other things. Like, other things to you. Interview over!!!
Varuna Srinivasan is a sexual health expert, writer, and speaker based in Brooklyn. For the past decade, she has worked on improving reproductive health access with organizations such as Doctors Without Borders, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, Planned Parenthood, and more. Her work has appeared in the Washington Post, Paper, Health, and Parents, and folks from the NHS to Bumble to Serena Williams have recognized her work. You can keep up with her on Instagram.
Brittany Leitner is a journalist and poet based in New York City and originally from San Antonio, Texas. She was previously the senior lifestyle editor at Elite Daily and the managing editor at The Dr. Oz Show. Her work in digital journalism earned her a Digital Health Award in 2019, and her writing has been published in Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Oprah Daily, Shape, and elsewhere. Her poetry has appeared or is forthcoming in Palette Poetry, Gasher, Cutthroat, and New York Quarterly.
