Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My best friend hounded me for my special pecan cake recipe saying she would only give it to her family. I had been baking and giving away the pecan cakes for years. The next year, I delivered my cake to another friend only to find out my best friend gave her one the week before! When I confronted my best friend, she said she chopped the pecans instead of using whole ones like I did, so it was her recipe now. Since we had so many mutual friends, I have stopped baking my signature pecan cakes. Is that fair?
—Hijacked Recipe
Dear Hijacked Recipe,
I understand your annoyance here, but it wasn’t super wise to share the recipe with your best friend if you didn’t want her to use it for normal cake-related things like baking for people as gifts. That said, she was a jerk for stepping on your toes within your shared social circle. She knew this was your special thing, and so to try to make it her special thing was rude—with a hint of wanting to be you. Seriously, the combination of obviously liking you enough to want to steal adopt your tradition with not respecting you enough to at least ask permission makes me think she’s not in a great place when it comes to her self-esteem or social skills.
If gifting these cakes to mutual friends no longer brings you joy because you know she’s doing it too, it’s fine to stop. But you shouldn’t let her get in the way of what sounds like a really rewarding tradition. Bake your old family recipe for the friends who don’t know your recipe-stealing admirer. For everyone else, choose a new dessert. And guard that recipe with your life.
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Dear Prudence,
I (he/him) am worried my friendship with my roommate has died. When we first started living together, things were great! We’d been friends for years, had opposite schedules, and completely different diets. There were no issues with hogging the bathroom or eating each other’s food. I enjoy cleaning and do it often, so there were no arguments over neglected chores either. The problem arose when I started seeing my current boyfriend. The relationship is fulfilling, both my cats adore him, our values align, and our schedules are compatible! My roommate claimed to hate him despite not knowing him at all and refused to meet him. I’ve respected this, and our opposite schedules have made it easy to accommodate these past months. I even stopped mentioning him altogether when they set that boundary.
The only demand I didn’t agree to was barring him entirely from the apartment. I felt it was unreasonable. I pay half the rent and only bring him over when they’re not home. Despite my efforts, they became so hateful of him I felt the need to sneak around and lie anyway.
As far as I know, they have no real reason for hating him, and when I confronted them directly, they said they’re allowed to hate what they hate. Our friendship only deteriorated since then and now they claim to hate me as well. I expected there to be friction from us cohabiting together, but I never expected the rift to stem from my romantic life. They’ve stopped talking to me and I’m worried it will go on indefinitely. Is there any hope in salvaging this friendship?
—The Enemy of My Friend Is My Lover
Dear Enemy of My Friend,
Not until your roommate falls out of love with you, unfortunately. I’m not sure who’s on the lease or what the formalities of your situation are, but you probably want to start looking for new housing away from this person as soon as you can. Until then, see if the boyfriend is willing to give you a drawer at his place.
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Dear Prudence,
My close friend “Kirsten” has always had a competitive relationship with her brothers—it’s true that her tight-knit family favors boys, and when they started having grandkids, her parents became even more transparent about it. This sucks, it’s unfair, but it’s not going to change. Instead of dealing with it at the source, Kirsten complains constantly about her baby and toddler nephews—that everyone is focused on them. She says they cry too much, are too loud or messy, and a million other things that are just part of little kids. My husband and I are parents to a toddler, and her complaints have recently started to feel really pointed. Her recent tirade about her nephew’s sleep regression making her family exhausted and selfishly no-fun over Christmas coincided with my own daughter’s teething issues wiping us out with exhaustion.
It feels like she doesn’t love and respect the part of me that is a mom. She seems to want parents to pretend they have all the energy and focus they had pre-kid for adult conversation and more, and I just don’t. My life is busier and fuller now, and that does mean changes in focus. My kid is great, but I make sure Kirsten and I have 1:1 time without her when we can. How do I get her to leave her family issues out of our friendship? She’s in therapy, and has been for years, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing much to her family stuff or her weird jealousy of children at large.
—Tired Mom Friend
Dear Tired Mom Friend,
This is tricky because it’s not really that you want Kristen to stop complaining, it’s that you want to be reassured that she loves and respects you. You also seem to know that her issues are really about her family’s dynamics and how hurt she is that her parents don’t seem to value her, not that she’s truly anti-toddler or anti-parent. Why don’t you try saying something like this:
“When you complain about your brother’s kids and his parenting, I start to worry that you’re having similar thoughts about me. I wanted to talk to you because I’m concerned that it could come between us. I know how hurtful your parents’ sexism has always been, so I really want to be there for you, especially when family events with your nephews open all the old wounds. Do you think we could talk more about the emotional side of it and less about the messiness and crying and sleep stuff that my kids deal with too? Or maybe if you bring those things up, could you just remind me that you won’t hold it against me if my son is being chaotic when you come over? It might help me to hear that. I really care about our relationship and want us to still be close. Your family may not ever change, but I can, and if there’s ever a way I can be a better friend to you, I’m definitely open to hearing it. On that note, I am still committed to having time with just the two of us because you’re not wrong—people under 6 can be legitimately tough to be around!”
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
More Advice From Slate
My 14-year-old son got in an altercation in gym class that ended up with him getting hit in the face by another kid. He claimed the other kid called him names and hit him and that he didn’t know why. According to the school, based on information from the other boy and witnesses, my son called the kid chunky and commented on his big nose and Jewish ancestry. The other kid called my son a Nazi and smacked him. The school is giving my son detention and going to do “mediation” with him and the other kid. I’m horrified and have no idea where this is coming from.
