How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m polyamorous and would love some help figuring out how to handle my birthday. My nesting partner of a decade and I opened our relationship about four years ago, and for the first three years, we were ethically non-monogamous, but not poly. Feelings happened, and after lots of conflict, we’re making it work. We’re pretty parallel, but we’re recently trying garden party style for big events. The first (and so far only) party was my NP’s, and while it was OK in the moment and everyone was friendly, leading up to it and afterward was super stressful and led to a lot of damage in the polycule. There were conflicting needs between me and a metamour, and I wished I was able to take space to tend to my insecure feelings without a big conflict about it (which was not possible).
Now, a few months later, it’s my birthday and there’s still a lot of resentment for how that went down. I’ve been seeing some people for more than three years and would like to invite them to something. I also think, whether rightfully or not, they kind of expect it at this point, and would feel hurt to be excluded this year again. I’m planning on spending my actual birthday alone because I have been feeling overwhelmed by all this. After that, I plan to spend a few hours at a local club that weekend, and let people show up during the time window. I do want my NP to be there, but I understand if they want space, can only do one hour, etc. I’ve also told them they can invite their other partners if they’d like. I’ll be tipsy, surrounded by supportive friends, and with the dynamics of them coming to my birthday, I do genuinely feel like I can handle that.
Unsurprisingly, no one is happy with this plan. NP is upset I’m inviting multiple people to this, and my other partners are upset by the lack of solo time. My urge in these scenarios is to run and isolate (hence, on my actual birthday I will allow myself to do just that). In the back of my head, I have this “I told you so” feeling of this is why we’ve been parallel. I’ve made an uneasy peace with the fact that everyone is going to be a little unhappy, but I would love an outside opinion if there’s a better way to thread the needle.
—The Unsexy Part of Poly
Dear Unsexy Part of Poly,
It’s your birthday, so far be it from me to tell you how to throw a party and whether you can cry at it if you want to, but if “no one is happy with this plan,” why do it? Yeah, your party is for you, but it’s also for others to celebrate you, and if they’re not inclined to do so because of the vibes, it’s kind of pointless. You’re throwing the party, which means that you’re somewhat responsible for others’ good time—you can’t make it so, but it’s your job as a host to set the party up for success. At the moment, you’re not doing your job.
I think you should throw multiple events—keep the club party as an event for your nesting partner and other (presumably platonic) friends. For your other partners, do a smaller party, maybe a dinner. Or even individual “parties” for each one. That way they get their solo time, and your NP gets to feel comfortable in your presence during an event that is being held for you. It’s great when the disparate people who are important to us can all come together peacefully for a special occasion, but if that’s not possible, you should do what you can to make sure everyone feels good. There’s truly no sense in going forward with a nonessential event that you know is going to cause drama…unless the drama is what you’re looking for. In that case, I’d beg you to reconsider your objectives. This is your life here, not a soap opera.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a bisexual, kinky, aromantic man in his mid-to-late 20s, quietly realizing his aromantic status, who still intends on dating alloromantic people and getting married or entering into a domestic partnership one day.
I participate in romantic gestures, but only if I probe my partner about their wants and romantic fantasies and do so to make them feel satiated; I’ve never “gotten” when or how people decide to engage in a gesture. I’ve often used the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord to visualize what I want out of relationships, and define how I “love” people (a concept, to me, that has always existed on a mutually communicated gradient like the Smorgasbord, with no distinct delineations between “platonic” and other forms of love).
The issue is, however, that despite the increased visibility of queer issues and perspectives, many queer relationships I’ve observed are still very much “all or nothing”: Even if I can provide 11/12 items on the Smorgasbord, not having the romantic aspect is a dealbreaker for greater than 99 percent of people. Many of my play and non-romantic partners in kink spaces who I communicate all this with, for instance, like many others, drop out of the scene to pursue a long-term commitment to their mono or poly romantic partners.
Dating someone without any intention or feeling of sweeping someone off their feet is obviously dishonest, if not manipulative, hence my hesitation to put myself out there again. How am I supposed to find an appealing Smorgasbord of long-term commitment, care, and physical satisfaction, but also remain honest about how I (don’t) feel about other people without breaking their hearts?
—Loveless
Dear Loveless,
The short answer is: Just keep trying. Your particular issues are specific to your identity, but most people have idiosyncrasies and standards that work to guard against falling into a life partnership with just anyone who comes along. I think what’s important (and admirable) here is that you know yourself and your capacity to engage in behaviors that many take for granted in relationships. Yes, that might make your job of connecting with someone harder than the average person’s, but your strong sense of self keeps you from getting into the wrong relationships. It may feel like an obstruction, but it’s also a guardrail.
But since as an alloromantic, I can really only muse, I thought I’d reach out for some guidance directly from an aromantic person. A few that I corresponded with told me that they didn’t date (take this only as an anecdotal correlation), but then, via the Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy, I got in touch with AUREA representative Ian Stobaugh, who is also a bisexual, kinky, aromantic guy (albeit in his early 20s), who said he understands what you’re going through. (Stobaugh’s Tumblr, on which he discusses being aromantic but sexually attracted to others, is here.) I’ve reprinted his letter in full below.
As a fellow bisexual, kinky, aromantic guy in his early 20s, I understand what he’s feeling. I also want a domestic partnership one day, but it’s been difficult doing so with alloromantic partners. A lot of people just don’t get it, which is extremely frustrating. For me personally, either people don’t want to enter a relationship with me because I’m aromantic, or they do enter a relationship with me but completely discard my aromantic identity. He is definitely not alone.
The best thing to do is stay honest. It sounds like he’s been doing that, and that’s good. However, keeping the fact that you’re aromantic quiet from potential partners just so they’ll enter a relationship with you is not good for either side. I recommend not doing that, no matter how difficult it may get.
In all honesty, it sounds to me like he’s doing everything right when it comes to this. It is extremely frustrating to have that clash in identity when looking for a partner. And since aromanticism still isn’t very well-known, even within the queer community, it is a lot harder to search for people who understand. A lot of people hear the basic definition of aromanticism and go off of stereotypes and assumptions. There isn’t much you can do in those situations except try your best to educate them and hope they’re receptive.
I recommend, however, looking into aromantic spaces. Unless he wants an alloromantic partner specifically, there are plenty of kinky aromantic people who also want a relationship. There are also people on the aromantic spectrum, who may sometimes feel romantic attraction (think terms like greyromantic and demiromantic). If he is looking for a partner who will be romantically attracted to him but understand aromanticism, I recommend starting there.
It is definitely a much smaller pool of people to interact with, but I personally think that looking within the community would be a good step to take. A lot of aromantic people are asexual, but there’s a big chunk of people who aren’t. And from what I’ve observed while working directly with this community, a good chunk of them are also into kink and are very open-minded about sex.
There are a lot of places online to look to if this seems like a good option. From my experience, almost every social media site [Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, for example] has an aromantic presence, and there are also websites dedicated to aromanticism as well (though they aren’t as active as they used to be). And since aromanticism is getting more attention in the queer community, I expect the online community to grow as well. Also, depending on where he lives, there may be in-person groups or events as well. [Try your local LGBTQ+ center and/or Facebook for info.]
Overall, I wish him good luck!
Dear How to Do It,
After a year of unrecognized depression in my 50s, I finally sought and received treatment. Two entirely different sets of meds did not work, but a third set worked very well—so I’m highly resistant to changing them (and risk relapse, job loss, and financial distress). I’m taking a med (Bupropion) with supposedly low rates of sexual side effects.
The issue is, since around when I started one of the meds, I can’t get erect. I can climax but literally can’t get hard. This is whether I’m masturbating or (in rare attempts) with my partner. I realize the latter may be psychological in part, but… climaxing with no erection while masturbating? Also, my time to climax has fallen to 1-3 minutes, which… is of course wholly insufficient for my partner when I can get erect again. My doctor is also hesitant to change the underlying meds, so they gave me Cialis to try. (This of course leads to spontaneity issues, so I haven’t tried it.) Given my (and doc’s) grave concern for changing meds, what are your thoughts on rebuilding my erections, let alone “stamina”?
—Deliver But Not Standing
Dear Deliver But Not Standing,
My thoughts are that you should take the damn PDE5 inhibitor that your doctor prescribed. Contrary to your letter, Cialis does not lead to “spontaneity issues.” Tadalafil’s (generic Cialis) half-life is much longer than that of sildenafil (Viagra), which means it stays in your system longer (the quoted article says up to 36 hours; anecdotally, in terms of my experience and what I’ve heard from others, you can count on it doing its job for a good 24). So you can pop it in the morning and then expect to be in working order hours later. But even if what you were prescribed did work like Viagra, affording you a shorter wood window, how would that adjustment be any worse than not getting hard at all? What good is “spontaneity” if you’re not rising to the occasion anyway? In the current scenario, you’re spontaneously…failing to launch. Adding a pill in there is a minor hassle (at worst!) that could result in a major turnaround.
You clearly don’t have an issue with taking meds or going to doctors, which gives you a leg up on many people who write into this column about potentially benefiting from PDE5 inhibitors but not having the nerve to actually take them. Just try—it could really be a simple solution to a problem that’s bothering you enough to reach out to a stranger for help with. Let that be your first step. Incidentally, there are many benefits beyond erections that a daily dose of tadalafil can facilitate, including overall blood flow and decreasing nocturia (peeing at night). A recent urologist I saw told me he recommends a low daily dose to virtually all of his patients over a certain age, as it’s generally well tolerated with few to no side effects. Give it a whirl and if it doesn’t work, reach back out.
Dear How to Do It,
How does one go about having casual sex? That may seem like a weird question, but it’s something I have really no idea how to approach. I’m a late-30s basically straight guy, and since childhood, I’ve been the nerdy introvert. As an adult, I have no issues talking to anyone. But I’m still more the type to be happy keeping his own company, and the idea of just going up to someone with the intention of “picking them up” or whatever just leaves me at a complete blank. I’m the type of guy who, when alone and not doing things with friends, is totally content staying at home playing video games, watching a movie, or going out for a meal and a beer on my own and reading a book at the bar. I have no issues making friends, even at this age when I hear people complaining about how hard it is to do so (I’m currently busier doing things with friends than I’ve ever been in my adult life), but approaching women “out in the wild” for a date or sex is anathema to me. I just don’t know how it’s done!
You’d probably call me a late bloomer—I’ve only had a couple of serious relationships in my life—but I’m pretty happy with who I am and my approach to relationships. I’d like a monogamous, lifetime relationship at some point, but if I don’t meet the right person, I’m fine with that and absolutely don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I’d much rather be doing my own thing alone than be with someone I settled for. But in the meantime (or if I never find that sort of partner), I don’t want to go through life with no sex! My problem is I’ve never had “casual sex.” It’s always been either within a relationship (or at least someone I was dating, more than just hooking up with) or with a friend with benefits (I’ve had one in my life, and it was pretty great, but I moved, and I can’t really replicate how that happened since we sort of just fell into it).
So that’s what I’m asking: How does someone go about approaching someone in that way? Do people still go to bars to get laid? If so, how would I approach someone in a respectful way that’s clear that I’m just looking for a short-term or one-night thing, or FWB, rather than “dating”? I’m on apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge for dating, so while I’ve thought about converting one of those profiles to a “hookup” profile rather than a “looking for a relationship” profile, part of me doesn’t want to give up that pool of potential dates to chase sex. So I feel sort of stuck. I’m fine with my lackadaisical approach to dating for a relationship—getting the occasional match and going on a date or two a month through the apps to see if I connect with someone for a relationship—but I’d like to be having sex while I’m looking. All my relationships have been with people I either knew through another part of my life (friends, fellow students when in school, etc.) or dating apps, so I have no idea how to approach someone in “real life.”
—Learning
Dear Learning,
I get the sense that you’re hung up on doing this whole thing right, but in the process, you’re putting undue pressure on yourself. There’s a reason you’ve made it to nearly 40 without really knowing how to approach someone in public for a hookup: It’s not your style. Now, branching out and learning new things is admirable at any age. But you’re fine with your approach, and so said branching out shouldn’t come with too much of a cost. Why shake things up just for the sake of it? Not everything is for everyone, and given the emphasis on apps and the general isolation that people feel in today’s culture, it’s safe to say that the kind of picking up that you aspire to is not for a lot of people.
That said, people certainly do go to bars to get laid. I think straightforward is generally the best way, so I advise making eye contact and saying hello to someone you’re interested in. It should be very clear immediately what’s happening, and if the person remains engaged in conversation, there’s a chance they’re interested. One thing I like to do if I’m not quite sure of the vibe is take out my pack of gum, help myself to a piece, and offer him one. So often, the guys who end up taking that piece of gum turn out to be interested, indeed. There’s no guarantee he’s going to take my dick after taking my gum, but it’s a promising sign of overall receptiveness.
If you want to pick people up, try that. If, in the process, you realize that it’s just as daunting as your four decades of not doing so have suggested, that’s OK. Be kind and patient with yourself. You have all those app accounts, so it hardly seems like you’re going to be doing yourself a disservice by converting one into a hook-up account. But! You can also branch out to an app that is specifically hook-up geared like Feeld. It’s one that we talk about a lot in this column, though I’ve been loathe to recommend it lately after an update resulted in an extremely glitchy user experience (this Slate story confirms it’s not just me), but it does seem to be getting better. People on that app tend to be extremely direct about the kind of matches they’re looking for (often FWBs) and the sex they’re looking for with said matches. Try it, you might like it.
—Rich
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