Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I (early 50s) have been married for three years. He has a daughter (22) from his previous marriage and I have a son (15) from mine. Daughter has made it clear that she wants no relationship with us (or with him as long as he is with us) and has never met me or Son. My husband has paid for all of Daughter’s needs until now, including all her undergraduate college expenses (her mother has never worked and lives on her substantial maintenance payments). Since our engagement Daughter kept contact to a bare minimum, occasionally texting him when she needed information on insurance, etc. (to which he always responded promptly), but mostly using her mother’s divorce attorney to communicate on tuition deadlines, even though he asked her multiple times not to do that as it causes unnecessary legal bills for both her parents.
In my view the worst thing she did was when my husband was in the hospital for a week a couple years ago—I informed her via text and email that her father was in the ICU following an accident and it would comfort him to hear from her, and she acknowledged the email but never called him. My husband waited hopefully for several days for her to call or text after he was discharged, but nothing (she did post vacation pictures on social media hours after our email exchange, which really upset me at the time). The next message we received from her was months later, via attorneys, on tuition due.
A couple months before she finished undergrad, he got a message from her saying that she wanted to reconnect because she missed “being his special and only biological daughter” and she was sad that he had been ignoring her all this time. She attached, as proof of his callous negligence, a screenshot of an alleged “love you” text she had sent to him, which she claimed he’d ignored. This screenshot showed a solitary text dated a few days earlier sent to a contact named “Dad” with a heart emoji next to it, but it had none of their other text exchanges above the “love you” text so it was clearly a single text sent to a number she didn’t normally use to contact him. Then she followed with long emails saying he was a narcissist who had failed in financial support because payments were often late (not true).
My husband replied that he would like nothing more than to have a close relationship with her, but since she was now an adult, this relationship should involve both parties being emotionally present for one another and could not be conditional on giving up his family or giving her material things. She bristled at the reference to money and also said, in response to him pointing out that she was the one who asked to cease contact and had not communicated after his accident, “You chose another family so you can’t expect me to be around for things like that.”
A couple of days later, she texted that she wanted to “separate the personal relationship we are trying to make healthier from our financial relationship” and therefore she wanted all the leftover money in the 529 account he’d established for her. Her position is that he “accounted for” $140,000 for her education, and since she has only used $60,000 of it, he should give her the rest, no questions asked. He replied that he provided her with every privilege until completion of her bachelor’s degree, and would expect her to fend for herself for grad school regardless of the strength of their personal relationship. (She does have a $70,000 educational bequest thanks to an inheritance from my husband’s mother.)
He plans to roll over the unused portion into Son’s 529 plan for now (I have some money in it already), and defer the disposition of any leftover funds to after Son’s undergrad. I think his logic is sound, I have always disliked how she treats him, and I am happy that Son’s 529 is bigger, but this also feels a little like the cliché of the stepmother taking from the stepchild for her own progeny. Should I be feeling bad about this outcome, or should I try to change his mind? (I don’t really want him to change his mind.)
–Cinderella’s College Fund
Dear Cinderella’s Stepmother,
I definitely spent most of this very long letter expecting you to ask a question about your husband salvaging or abandoning his relationship with his daughter, so it was a bit of a surprise to find that in the end, you’re just asking about money. That’s not a hard one. You certainly don’t need to try to change his mind! It’s his 529 to do with what he wants; no one is entitled to a bunch of money for grad school; and I’m pretty sure that there’s no way for you to inject yourself into this totally toxic discussion without making everything worse.
But let’s talk about the bigger issue. It’s very clear how you feel about this young woman, who remains furious about the (pointedly undisclosed) circumstances surrounding her father leaving her mother and marrying you. That anger, and maybe her general personality flaws, are leading her to behave like a real asshole to your husband, and it’s unsurprising that it upsets you to see the man you love treated this way.
As the years go on, your stepdaughter may make other overtures to rebuild this filial relationship, maybe even ones that aren’t comically transparent schemes to get her hands on $80,000. It will be very difficult for you not to forever view her as this infuriated 22-year-old who angles and manipulates and rages. But she won’t always be that person, and I suspect that your husband will always yearn for her love. So all I ask is that you remain open to the possibility that her anger, now, is understandable, even unsurprising, even if the ways she’s exhibiting it are doing no one any good—and that you prepare yourself, sometime in the future, to forgive her for how she’s behaving now, for the sake of your husband.
And I don’t mean, like, a high-handed I forgive you but I’ll never like you—but actual, open-hearted, difficult-to-accomplish-emotionally forgiveness and love. I know I’m asking a lot! But I think that she will change, and that you will, too, once you are both farther away from the charged events of the past three years. I believe you both have it in you. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 36-year-old woman married to a 45-year-old man. This is the second marriage for both of us, after our first marriages ended due to infidelity on the parts of our respective spouses. My husband has two children: a daughter, “Sally,” who is 17, and a son, “Johnny,” who is 14. I have one daughter, “Lucy,” who is 6. We have been together for four years, and while my relationship with my stepdaughter started out pretty positively, it has slowly deteriorated over the past two years. These days any verbal interactions consist of her criticizing anything I say or do, or making passive-aggressive comments under her breath regarding what she believes to be the fleeting nature of our marriage. Neither teenager (but more pointedly Sally) will willingly acknowledge the presence of my daughter, who has been in their lives since she was 2, unless it is to criticize her (typical 6-year-old) behavior, or judge the way I parent (their mother is a much stricter parent than I have any intention of ever being).
I still try to engage in polite conversation, but don’t push it when Sally would obviously rather be talking to anyone else in the world. I still support her at school and sports events, hoping that someday she’ll look back and realize that I was trying to be a positive part of her life. My husband has tried talking to her, but she feels fully justified for every rude and disrespectful act and word because we didn’t wait until she was grown and moved away to get married. I have sought advice from therapists in the past, who have recommended things ranging from “take her on a one-on-one shopping trip” to “just deal with it until she goes to college.” I don’t expect to have a close relationship with her any time in the near future, but I have a hard time living in a house with someone who openly hates me and my child. It’s stressful and uncomfortable, and I’m afraid it’s damaging the quality of life for my daughter. Do you have any practical advice for cohabitating with someone who thinks you’re the enemy?
–Helpless in Horseheads
Dear Helpless,
Another stepmother, another stepdaughter, another volatile stew of resentment and rage. Here you’re being subjected to it every moment in your house, which is a real drag, but survivable—moms of all stripes have dealt with long stretches of nonstop disdain from teenage daughters since the beginning of time. But it is, honestly, shocking to me that both of these teenagers are being mean to a 6-year-old child. Like, I am fully aware of the capabilities of teens to be irrational, but this just seems above and beyond. I’m sorry both you and your daughter are going through that.
Your husband needs to step up. It’s not enough for him to “try talking to her.” He needs to sit her down and deliver the message that it is absolutely unacceptable for her to treat you the way she does. But I also hope he will deliver a particular appeal about her treatment of Lucy, who didn’t ask to join this charged family arrangement any more than Sally did. “I don’t like how awful you are to your stepmother, and I’m setting out consequences to enforce a basic standard of civil behavior,” he might say. “But it is unthinkable to me that you would be cruel to a 6-year-old child. You need to think long and hard about what kind of person you want to be.”
Will it work? Who knows. Teens travel down lonely, haunted roads. Protect Lucy as much as you can, and continue taking the high road with Sally, difficult as that may be. But, your non-strict parenting philosophy notwithstanding, don’t be afraid of levying a reasonable punishment when Sally breaks the rules about civil behavior. You may not want to be a disciplinarian, but it also doesn’t help your daughter to see you being walked all over by this teenager—or failing to stand up for your own daughter in the crunch.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-wife and I are amiably coparenting a 13-year-old son and 11-year-old twin daughters. For the past week the kids haven’t been speaking to each other. After visiting a puppy over Christmas, my daughters have since become very obsessed with the idea of having a dog. My son, who has noise sensitivities, doesn’t want a dog, because he thought the puppy they met over the holidays was a nuisance and even gave him strong headaches. A week ago our daughters and son got into a massive argument, and now the twins aren’t talking to their brother.
I think neither my ex-wife or I would be against having a dog, but we both know that getting a dog while a member of the household is actively very much against it is not a great idea. The kids are usually very close and I’m not sure how to patch them together now. Whenever I, or my ex-wife, or her wife so much as look at a kid, we get accused of favoritism. Nothing we’ve tried has gotten them at least to be amiable with each other. Of course our kids snipe at one another, but it’s usually not for this long and it’s never been this bad.
–All Because of a Dog!
Dear Because,
Hell hath no fury like a child who wants a dog scorned! You’ve been blessed for eleven years with children who mostly enjoy one another’s company, but frankly, at their ages you were overdue for a blowup. It’s extremely normal for cohabiting tweens and teens to absolutely lose their shit and hate each other for a little while! I am not convinced this is a situation that demands parental intervention, as unpleasant as it may be to watch your beloved children behave—ironically!—like animals. Time, and probably not that much of it, will ease this conflict.
In the meantime, enforce standard rules about kindness, treat any accusation of favoritism with airy disdain, and do not even think about floating the notion that maybe, possibly, you’d be OK with a dog if only everyone could agree. Take a hard line for now to avoid fanning the flames. You can always revisit it later when everyone’s acting like normal human beings again.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have always believed in public education and vowed to send my children to a public school. However, I am currently in a situation where I find my principles being tested. My daughter “Lea” is currently in first grade at a public elementary school, but I’m not convinced that the education she is receiving is right for her. It came to our attention at the beginning of the school year that Lea is incredibly gifted, at a sixth grade reading level and a fourth-grade math level. We knew that Lea was bright, but we didn’t realize how advanced she is considered for her age. Lea is in a large class and the teacher isn’t able to provide Lea with specialized lessons. Lea is bored out of her mind in class. This is not what I had in mind for her school experience, and I want her to get an education where she is engaged and challenged. Lea’s teacher has suggested a local private school for gifted children, but I’m worried that I would be betraying my principles by moving Lea to a private school. Should I cave?
–School Ties
Dear Ties,
This is the easiest question anyone has ever sent Care and Feeding. Feel free to sign up for scores of extracurricular academic activities for your incredibly gifted daughter, but you do not need to betray your principles and pay thousands of dollars merely because your child, like many other children, is bored in first grade. What a great opportunity to continue doing the right thing and keep her in public school without even thinking twice.
–Dan
More Advice From Slate
We have two sons, ages 8 and 10, who are both good, healthy eaters. They are adventurous when it comes to food, enjoy their veggies, and with the exception of one or two random foods like okra and oysters, pretty much eat everything we do. The problem is my in-laws, who recently moved next door. I was raised to eat whatever my parents were eating, and we’ve chosen to do the same with our boys, but my husband’s family believes firmly in “kid food.” My in-laws constantly harp on us for “treating our kids like adults,” but we find it a joy to not have to prepare two meals and to eat pizza with toppings other than cheese. How do we address this issue? Are we really going to raise “weird kids” if we let them eat “adult food”? Is there even such a thing as “kid food”?
