Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
Growing up, our family was considered upper middle class; we always had what we wanted and needed and took nice vacations, went to private schools, etc. When I was 13, my father began sexually abusing me, until I had the courage to report him at 15. My life was turned upside down into shambles, and I was accused of breaking up a family and ruining his life. He and his “new wife” convinced a naive 15-year-old me to drop all charges, and I moved out of state a year later with the man who would become my husband of 15 years now. After 10 years of not speaking, in an attempt to “forgive and forget, and move on” as advised by some therapists, I reached out to him to let him know we had had a baby and that I was safe, happy, and in a better place. Things seemed fine and normal, with random text exchanges, and he always sent birthday cards and gift cards for holidays.
Well, after some rocky issues in my marriage cropped up, I returned to therapy and found the deep-rooted cause of some of them was this abuse that happened to me as a teen. When I realized this, I immediately cut off all communication, with no explanation to him, as I became angry again that this was now affecting my marriage. Was I too dramatic? Am I not dramatic enough? Is writing him a letter telling him all the ways he’s ruined my life too much? I feel the need to get it off my chest, but I kind of feel like it would be an unnecessary letter to send? My therapist (a male) suggested he should be paying for my therapy and I should be extorting him, since this is ruining my life and he got off 100 percent scot-free, to happily go on and live his life. Clearly that is not the correct way to go, but it does enrage me that 15 years later, I am left to deal with it.
—Abused but Maybe Dramatic
Dear Abused,
The therapist who suggested extortion should possibly be reported to a professional body of some sort. Fire him. Get a new one. But please know that you are not in any way being too dramatic (after all, even your shady shrink could see this.) The letter you’re considering is a great idea and will give you a form of closure. For your own sake, make sure you emphasize how much he hurt you and why you’ve decided not to have him in your life instead of how he “ruined” your life. It might sound like a semantic difference, but it’s important—because the hurt may persist, but you’re not letting him “ruin” anything in your life anymore.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“This is a decision that has lifelong consequences, whether we want to admit it or not.”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
Six months ago, I got engaged. Wedding planning has been stressful and unfortunately, I lashed out at a friend. I’ve felt horrible ever since. I’m sad that I acted that way and hurt my friend’s feelings. She has since forgiven me, although she has pulled away: not initiating spending time together, making excuses when I initiate, not coming to my social events, even muting me on Instagram. Several months have gone by and we have not seen each other in person. I have done everything I can to make this right: apologized multiple times, continued to reach out via text, etc. Normally, I would let us grow close again naturally, but with the wedding coming up, I have to make a decision about whether she should be a bridesmaid. On the one hand, I don’t want to add to my anxiety by including someone who seems to be politely backing away from our friendship. On the other hand, to not include her might seal the fate of our friendship, and I’m worried our mutual friends will be caught in the middle.
—Unhappy Bride
Dear Unhappy Bride,
You’ve identified a really tricky thing about wedding-related decisions. When it comes to who gets invited and who’s in the wedding party, our choices reflect the current status of relationships, but they can also really change the trajectory of those relationships. So the first thing to do is to think about what you want. When you lashed out at your friend, was it random or did it reflect ongoing, deep frustration with something about her that you’ve come to dislike? How has your time apart felt? Do you miss her intensely, or do you feel some relief, or do you just feel neutral? Having had time to reflect, do you think you two are still compatible, or have you truly grown apart? If you contemplate all this and the answer is “I was wrong to yell at her, I really want her back in my life, and I want us to be friends for years to come,” you have to tell her.
That could sound something like this: “Hey, how are you? I know we haven’t talked as much lately but I wanted to reach out to you about something. My wedding is coming up and of course you were one of the first people I thought of to ask to be a bridesmaid. But I thought I should check in with you first because I’ve sensed you haven’t wanted to be as close since I lashed out at you. I still consider you one of my closest friends and hope you always will be, so I would love for you to be in the wedding. But if you need space or don’t feel like we’re in the right place for that right now, I really do understand and I wouldn’t want to put you in a situation where you felt you had to dedicate a lot of energy to me. If that’s the case, I want you to know there would be no hard feelings, you’d still be invited, and I would still want to work to repair our friendship. Let me know what you think. I would love for you to stand up with me on my big day, but my bigger concern is that I don’t put you in a difficult position yet again.”
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Dear Prudence,
My wife of 20 years has just told me that our romantic relationship is over, but she will consider exploring a different arrangement that will allow us to stay together and raise our three children. I’m blindsided and heartbroken, but I also know that I don’t want an arrangement: I want us to be married in every sense or I want a divorce. She says she understands, but we shouldn’t rush into any quick decisions. I honestly don’t know where this leaves us. Am I supposed to have dinner every night with someone who doesn’t love me anymore? Are we supposed to do things as a family as if nothing has changed? I can barely bring myself to be in the same room as her. Am I ridiculous for wanting to go ahead and end things if that’s where we’re headed anyway?
—Broken in Brooklyn
Dear Broken,
Nope, you’re not ridiculous at all. She’s made a somewhat unconventional offer, which is her right, but you are completely free to reject it. Tell her “I appreciate that you want to be civil and raise the kids because I want that too. But I’m not willing to live the rest of my life without love and companionship, so we should begin the process of splitting up and hopefully each find someone who we can have that with.”
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My husband wants to lend our spare car to my sister-in-law so she can go to work. She does not have a good driving record, and just returned home from a rehab facility. My husband thinks it is a good idea to help her, but I do not. I said I can drive her to work a few days a week or lend her $500. What should I do?
—Driving Miss Daisy
Dear Driving,
I don’t think you should be signing up to chauffeur this woman or lend her cash. That just feels way too involved to get with someone who you don’t seem to trust or be very close to. I’m sympathetic to the idea that it’s really tough to rebuild your life after being incarcerated or institutionalized or facing a major life hiccup—and that not having a way to get to work can really be a hurdle when it comes to getting back on track. So I do understand why your husband wants to help his sister. Also, let’s put this in perspective: It’s not as if she’s an active alcoholic who proudly drives drunk. She just got home from rehab, where she hopefully got a lot of help. The chances of her destroying your car seem reasonably low. That said, you deserve a say here. Tell your husband you’d like for him to make a plan for the worst case scenario: that his sister seriously damages or totals the car. If you can come up with something you’re both comfortable with (for example, he’ll use his personal spending money for repairs, or he’ll bike to work if you find yourself with one car for longer than expected) you should let it go.
Dear Prudence,
When we were dating, my wife and I kept splitting and getting back together over the big things: she wanted to start a family, and I wasn’t ready. The last time I tried to break up with her, she promised me she felt freed from her former need for kids, that it was coming from family pressure she no longer cared about. This was a very painful time in my life (my brother was suddenly institutionalized due to psychosis, and my job was a mess) and in my anguish, I decided to trust my wife. Two years later, we were married and she asked me to have a child anyway, telling me “she can’t imagine her life without a child.” I’m no longer religious, but I was raised to believe that there are very few things in life worse than divorce, so arguing with my wife over the fundamental flip-flop wasn’t in the cards for me. We now have a 10-month-old, and I am filled with regret, and resentment toward my wife. If I could divorce her without hurting my child, I would. But I’m not willing to hurt my child just so I can leave my marriage. Our day-to-day life is full of kindness, respect, and co-parenting, but I no longer consider my wife my lover—just a co-parent. What should I do?
—Feeling Trapped
Dear Trapped,
Something that stands out to me in your letter is that you love your child enough that you’re willing to stay in a bad marriage to avoid hurting them in any way. With that in mind, would you be willing to take it a step further and attempt to do the difficult work of repairing your relationship? Your wife’s dishonesty, or flip-flop, or bait and switch, or whatever it was, was really unfair to you. You would have been within your rights to say “absolutely not.” But you did ultimately agree to have a child. And here we are, with a kid who you love and feel responsible for.
This didn’t happen the way it should have. But even though it would be somewhat understandable for you to remain mad and resentful, that won’t make your life better. So try couples therapy, and go in with an open mind and the goal of healing all the wounds of the last couple of roller coaster years. I can imagine you’ll receive an apology from your wife for cornering you in the way she did, and also begin to take some responsibility for your role in how things turned out. You might have some exchanges that help you understand each other better and turn the volume down on your resentment a little bit. I think you can get back to loving and enjoying each other. It’s at least worth a try. If it doesn’t help, you’ll have opened up your communication and set the tone for Plan B: Getting divorced without hurting your child, which at this young age, is entirely possible.
Dear Prudence,
My husband Matt and I met and fell in love when he was still married to his ex-wife Marisa. Marisa was a coworker who became a friend, and before Matt and I fell in love, she’d invite me to spend weekends at her family’s beachside cabin. The cabin is part of an idyllic community of about 10 houses, and Matt and I loved spending time there. Obviously, after the divorce, we weren’t welcome there anymore.
It’s been almost eight years since the divorce. Matt and I are married, have two kids, and have been looking to buy a second home where we could spend weekends and to where we could maybe retire. Last week, a home in Marisa’s beachside community came on the market. It’s in our budget, and Matt and I are seriously considering making an offer.
Do we owe Marisa a head’s up that we might be buying a home in her community? If we’re able to buy the house, should we try making nice with her? My mom says we should find a different vacation home, but Matt and I have such amazing memories of this community, and it’d be the perfect place to take our kids. After eight years, does Marisa still have an exclusive claim to this community?
—Beach House Bump
Dear Beach House Bump,
There are so many other beachside communities, and so many other homes. Please leave this lady alone and look elsewhere. She doesn’t have an exclusive claim to the community, but you should want to give her one, so you can have a claim to a life without a whole bunch of unnecessary guilt and drama.
Classic Prudie
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for four months. When we started dating she told me she usually doesn’t go for guys as physically attractive as me, which I found odd. She is very cute but not the hottest girl I’ve dated. Her intelligence, personality, and character are why I’ve fallen for her. Things have been great until the last two weeks when she started becoming more distant and less affectionate toward me. Last weekend she went with her single girlfriends to the Caribbean for a brief vacation. I barely heard from her the week after she got back, but we both have demanding jobs. I ordered flowers to be delivered to her office. She then called me and said she no longer wants to be in a relationship, and that I’m way more attractive then her previous partners.
