Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Early in December, I gave birth to my first child. Since it coincided with the holidays, I didn’t see a ton of my close friends initially, but they have all since texted their support and come to meet the baby … except there is one friend who shows no interest at all. For context, my son is a rainbow baby (he was born almost exactly a year after our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage). This friend has had her own late-term miscarriage, as well as other earlier pregnancy losses. She has not yet had a child. I broke my pregnancy news to her as sensitively as I could and was fine with her declining to attend my baby shower (I get that it’s awkward to have a bunch of ladies asking if you have kids). We continued to hang out as normal during my pregnancy, and she said she was fine with updates and even asked for them.
Now that the baby is here, it’s radio silence. She lives five minutes away and works from home, so has a very flexible schedule. When I reach out to her, which I continue to make an effort to do, she doesn’t ask about my child or acknowledge his existence. I am going to be a SAHM for the foreseeable future, so never mentioning my child when he’s my main focus seems out of the question. I am hurt and annoyed that she’s willing to throw our friendship away and not be supportive or interested in my life because of a difference in her circumstances. She got married years before I did, bought a house first, etc., and I didn’t refuse to come to her wedding or fail to congratulate her on these milestones because they hadn’t happened for me. It’s confusing that infertility sufferers seem to believe they have a unique license to feel triggered when most friendships have differences in fortune along various lines. Is this fair, and can this friendship survive in an authentic way without me pretending my child doesn’t exist?
—Postpartum Problems
Dear Postpartum,
While I understand your disappointment that your friend has shown no interest in your baby, I’m a bit taken aback by your lack of empathy, especially considering that you have experienced a pregnancy loss of your own. Your friend has lost multiple pregnancies, including one that was late-term. She may never be able to carry a child of her own. She was able to pull it together and engage with you about your pregnancy, but it is obviously too painful for her to deal with now that your child is actually here. That isn’t to say that she’ll never be able to meet your kid or listen to you talk about them, but she’s not there yet. Yes, it is true that friends may have varying levels of fortune or experience milestones at different times, but few things impact a woman more deeply than the inability to bear children, should she want to. You can’t compare that to getting married or buying a house first.
Situations like this can end friendships, and it’s also possible that the two of you will never be as close as you once were. But you can grieve the loss of your connection, be it temporary or for good, and still have some understanding of the position your friend is in. The inability to carry a child to term can devastate a woman, making her feel inadequate and broken. You are very fortunate that you were able to have your rainbow baby; your friend may never get to know that joy, and it is something she likely desires more than anything on the planet. Enjoy the company of your friends who are able to be present for you and your baby. Check-in on this friend occasionally and let her know that you are still there for her, even if she can’t show up for you in the same way at this point.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
About seven years ago, I won some serious money in Vegas. In a fit of generosity, I paid for my half-sister’s new car and my stepbrother’s honeymoon. My older sister is both graduating college and engaged. She’s pissed at me for not having anything as extravagant for her celebrations. I have explained the money is gone unless she thinks I need to get a second mortgage out on my house to pay for her. She kept making snide comments at Christmas, and we ended up having it out.
Her entire issue is that she has had a chip on her shoulder since our parents got divorced. She is convinced she was always the unfavorite growing up despite the fact our parents were meticulous about being fair. If anything, she was the favorite. My stepbrother and I certainly didn’t get cars when we graduated high school, nor were we sent to a private university. The fact that we are in our thirties, and she is still pulling this juvenile shit makes me tired.
Her engagement party is in a month. It requires me to take time off work, get a flight and a hotel. I would feel I was obligated to do so, except for her attitude over Christmas. Can I skip? What do I say when asked about it?
—Dis Engage
Dear Dis Engage,
If you don’t feel comfortable engaging (no pun intended) with your sister about your actual issue with her, you can simply say that this isn’t a good time for you to take off work and you won’t be able to make the engagement party. Let her know that you look forward to celebrating at the wedding and let that be that. If you feel okay with being confrontational, you can explain to her that you were really turned off by her attitude over the holidays and it didn’t inspire you to make sacrifices in order to attend her party. Remind her that the money you had seven years ago was from a windfall and that you cannot be expected to spend that way again just because she’s experiencing certain milestones in her life. If you really want to go there (and if these issues didn’t already come up over the holidays), you can point out the advantages that she had over you and your stepbrother and that you’re tired of her saying that she was somehow neglected by your parents. Explain that you are happy for the special moments that she has coming up, but that you’re simply not in the position to bankroll them. Considering how petty and immature she sounds, there’s a good chance that she won’t accept your explanation. Skip the engagement party knowing that you did nothing wrong and don’t owe your sister a thing.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 40-something woman, married with two kids. I’m also an academic currently on sabbatical. I’d really like to do some road trips with my kids; I have more free time than I likely will for years, and my kids are at a good age to travel. My husband doesn’t have enough vacation time to do much of this travel with us. He isn’t going to “forbid” us from traveling without him (he’s not that kind of person), but it’s clear that he doesn’t like the idea. I would enjoy a week of solitude if he took the kids on a trip, but he just feels left out. I feel like kind of a jerk for still wanting to take these trips. Especially since we’ve never had separate finances in our long marriage, so while we can certainly afford to travel, I don’t have my own money to pay for these trips. And while I have a good job now, he has definitely contributed more than I have to our joint finances over the years. I can’t decide whether I’m being unreasonable for wanting to spend his/our money on something he can’t enjoy or if he’s the unreasonable one for not wanting his family to do something just because he can’t.
—Should I Stay or Should I Go
Dear Should I Stay,
Neither you nor your husband are being unreasonable. It makes sense that you would want to make the most of this time off and have a special experience with your children. It also makes sense that your husband is feeling left out because he isn’t in a position to travel himself. I think you should take the trip; an excursion like this will provide you and your kids memories that will last a lifetime. I also think you should be sensitive to your husband’s feelings. Don’t spend a lot of time talking to him about your vacation planning or look for him to do much else to support your getaway besides dropping you guys off at the airport. Talk to him about his feelings and acknowledge that he’s bummed that he can’t join you. Before you go, organize a special weekend of activities for the entire family and include something that your husband will love. If he’s a big sports fan, go check out a game; if he loves to fish, have a day out on the water together. Let him know how much you guys will miss him on your trip and if possible, try to start planning a vacation for all of you together when he’s available.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter “Emma” has a sweet, affectionate friend “Olivia” who’s also a little possessive, and my daughter is getting tired of it. My daughter is a friendly extrovert who’s secretly a little anxious. Olivia gets hurt feelings and won’t talk to her anymore when she sees my daughter talking/playing with other kids. Emma cares and is affected by her reactions. These girls have grown up together because I’m good friends with Olivia’s mom. They are both trying out for a musical soon, and I don’t want them bringing extra drama to the drama club. They are new to theater and will both end up in the ensemble/big group scenes. Emma is already worried about upsetting Olivia by making other friends in the musical. How can I best coach my daughter about this, and is there anything I can say to my friend to help her coach her daughter? I don’t know if she (the mom, my friend) knows that her kid is affecting my kid like this, and I don’t know how to bring it up. My general advice to Emma has been to include everyone and not to avoid Olivia, but don’t stop making friends to make her happy. They’re both such good kids!
—Concerned Mama Watch
Dear Concerned Mama,
It’s time to have a heart-to-heart with Oliva’s mom. Explain to her how Olivia behaves when Emma talks to other kids and how it’s impacting Emma. It may not be easy for you to say, or for her to hear, but it’s the only way to make things better. Let her know that you understand that Olivia isn’t trying to hurt Emma, and it’s not uncommon for young children to be possessive over their friends, especially if they aren’t as social. You can suggest a conversation between the four of you during which both girls can express their feelings. As far as Emma goes, you’re telling her the right things. Keep reminding her that it’s okay to have other friends besides Olivia and that Olivia shouldn’t be upset about that. Let her know that it’s okay for her to tell Olivia that she truly loves having her as a friend, but that she enjoys having other friends too. Encourage her to try and introduce Olivia to other children and to try and organize games where they can play together.
—Jamilah
