How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m recently divorced and considering dipping my toes into the dating pool again. I was with my ex for 21 years before we split, and he was my first and only sexual partner. The last time I was on a date or made out with someone who was not my ex, George W. Bush was in his first term as president, only 45 percent of Americans had cell phones, and 34.3 percent of people still used dial-up internet. I have approximately 6,254 questions, but I’ll stick with one.
I have TMJ, and it makes giving head pretty painful. I can tease for a minute or two, but after that, my jaw aches. If I keep it up (haha) for too long, cue the headaches and needing to eat soft food for a day or so. Honestly, I’m too old to put up with a day of pain for a sexual activity that I don’t enjoy on its own merits. So, how and when do I tell possible partners that oral is off the table? (I’m not expecting them to go down on me if I can’t return the favor, for what it’s worth.)
A total aside, but there’s a Garfunkel and Oates skit about not knowing how to give a hand job because you were a late bloomer who went from kissing to penetrative sex and sort of skipped all the steps in between. I laugh too hard at it out of recognition.
—The Eldest Millennial
Dear The Eldest Millennial,
No one is entitled to a blow job, so I don’t think you need to mention this, say, in your app profile or after exchanging introductory pleasantries on a date. You could, quite reasonably, engage in sex without any mention of oral or why you aren’t partaking—life is not a porno and there’s not an actual protocol that will be disrupted by your unwillingness to give head. If your partner asks after (or even during) why you didn’t go down, you can explain then. You do have the option of acknowledging the cultural expectations that porn and patriarchy have instilled up front by telling him before you bone why his dick will not be entering your throat, but I think that’s above and beyond your obligations. Certainly don’t lie if there’s a pre-sex conversation about what you both are/aren’t into or would like to try. But sometimes the best way to express our (and get to know someone else’s) sexual interests is to have sex. This may be a situation where showing is more prudent than telling. You may find yourself with a partner who is not particularly interested in receiving head (they do exist!), or at least who is way more into what you do like to do. You may want to cultivate a good hand job game, just as an alternative offering, if that’s something that sounds fun to you.
Incidentally, we have covered TMJ and oral in this column before, though it seems like there aren’t a lot of good solutions outside of lick-and-stroke workarounds, and maybe facial massages. You sound resolute in your determination that giving oral is off the table, but if you want some background reading/tips, you can check the link above.
Dear How to Do It,
Cis gay guy here. I’ve been in a relationship for over 10 years, and I’m still very much in love and emotionally fulfilled. However, sexually, things have not been great for the past few years and we barely have intimacy anymore. His penis is too thick for me, so I exclusively top, but my libido has been really low lately, and there have been a couple of times I couldn’t even get hard. The more time we go without sex, the more performance anxiety I get, because I’m terrified I won’t get hard again, and the worse I feel because he keeps telling me he wants and needs to have sex. I’m just way too much in my head because I feel like I have to perform and give him mind-blowing sex. How do I get past this wall?
—Anxious Performer
Dear Anxious Performer,
Wow, what a cascade of shit. Any one of these issues would be challenging to navigate but to have them all on top of each other (while you remain decidedly not on top of your man) must be really overwhelming. I think the first thing you can do is disabuse yourself of the idea that you’re on the hook for making sex mind-blowing. This is a two-person endeavor. No one is watching from the outside (or if they are, you left that out of your letter). Just connecting at all on an intimate level, regardless of the supposed quality of the sex, would be progress. There’s a lot you can do that doesn’t involve taking a giant dick that your ass isn’t suited for. You have the option of oral (could just be you performing it on him), jerking off together while making out, or experimenting with group sex. If your partner wants to bottom and you aren’t up for it, you two could experiment with toys or fingers on him. I don’t mean to erase the experience of the monogamous gays out there, but you’re 10 years deep into a two-dude relationship—surely you must know that opening things up to some degree is an option. Even if the answer isn’t to have sex with people together but to do so separately (or at least allow him to pursue the sex he so wants/needs), it could do wonders for allowing you to maintain the relationship despite your issues.
On that note, you should also be thinking about the kind of sex you want to be having—whether with or without your partner. What, if anything, would excite you that isn’t happening right now. If you can’t conjure that, it’s probably worth talking to a professional (like a sex therapist or coach) to help figure it out.
PDE5 inhibitors like tadalafil (Cialis) and sildenafil (Viagra) won’t make you automatically horny, but they could fortify your hard-ons, thereby reducing your anxiety about not having them and allow you to enjoy (or even crave) sex more. Talk to your doctor about meds if you haven’t. Low libido can be the result of a ton of factors, including depression and hormonal issues, so mention those during your appointment, as well. And look: a lot of people deal with difficulty staying sexually connected to their long term partner. It’s OK that you feel this way. You can get through it and at least figure out a mutually satisfying solution. You’ve been together this long and you remain in love—it’s worth putting in the effort to figure a way forward.
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Dear How to Do It,
I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating after I came home from a trip and it was painfully awkward. I don’t want him to feel shame but there’s a part of me that wonders why he slammed the computer shut and has always been so private about this stuff. Is it wrong for me to wonder if he watches porn because he wants to sleep with other women? I’ve watched it myself so I feel hypocritical but I am far more open than he is. I’ve invited him to watch with me, and I only watch it to get me in the mood occasionally and feel sexier. What should I do about this?
—Possibly a Double Standard
Dear Possibly a Double Standard,
Potentially nothing. You caught him masturbating, and? Sometimes a conversation about an awkward situation can clear the air, but sometimes it can only make it more awkward. Of course you wondered why he slammed down his computer: What is it exactly that he’s protecting? It could be any number of things, some benign, some nefarious—shame doesn’t discriminate. He very well could have been watching the most vanilla porn when you caught him in the act. Any number of factors throughout your respective upbringings and adulthoods could have led him to being closed off about his porn use and you being open about yours. There’s not enough evidence there to indicate that anything is afoul. Unfortunately, if someone is already withdrawn about something, it’s hard to tease them out simply by asking.
Also, your boyfriend probably does fantasize or “want” to sleep with other women. It’s rare that our partner has the power to erase our attraction to every other person on earth. As in virtually all social contexts, it’s not the desire or the thought that’s the issue, it’s what a person does about it. If he’s feeling an erotic charge for others but not cheating on you, he’s honoring your (presumable) monogamous arrangement. I would also try to shake (or at least never bring up to him) the notion that your porn use is somehow more noble than his. That’s completely subjective and wouldn’t really stand up to the scrutiny an argument or debate might bring.
If you simply need to express something regarding the walk-in, just remind your boyfriend that you were sorry for interrupting him and ask if there’s anything he’d like to talk about in connection to the event. If he says there isn’t, respect that and let it lie.
—Rich
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My husband and I have had passionate, fun, frequent sex since we met seven years ago. However, I am six months pregnant and often feel turned off, plus sex is sometimes painful. What’s confusing is a new repugnance for his romantic affection, and an equally strong desire for rough sex. I want to get pounded somewhat dispassionately! (Safely, of course.) He is extremely sensitive, so I know he will be hurt by this. Should I speak up, or just pray this passes when I give birth?
