Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are in a particularly exhausting phase of parenthood/life right now: I returned to work fulltime a few months ago; he has some big work projects; it’s our kids’ first winter in daycare so we’re all constantly at least mildly sick; the 1-year-old is teething and sleeps horribly when that’s happening; the 2-year-old seems to have had a sleep regression … just the perfect storm of high stress, low-sleep conditions for us all. We’re making sure to prioritize us each getting some good chunks of kid-free time each week to do whatever it is we want. My husband usually goes to the gym or his friend’s house to watch football and has regularly scheduled meetings/events for a community organization he’s in, and I usually go running, to my book club, or just get a coffee and hang out somewhere quiet. He also recently had the chance to go on a 4-day/3-night work trip that is basically just a big socializing event and we made sure to make that work for a more extended break, and we’re working to figure out something similar for me to include at least one overnight.
My husband tends to invite his mother over when I get out, which I would have no problem with, if she didn’t make snarky comments about me “taking a break from motherhood” before/after. She’s always saying things about how it must be nice to just go sit outside and read a book and that she hopes her son is getting the same kind of relaxation opportunities that I am, but it wouldn’t seem so since she never sees him out of the house. I do sometimes want/need help while my husband is out, but I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear I don’t seek it from her when I do, instead having one of my friends or our teenage babysitter come over. She’s always very careful to say these things when my husband isn’t around, as she knows he wouldn’t like hearing them. That’s pretty much how our relationship has always been—she’s sweet as can be when he’s around then much more cutting once he’s out of earshot. I’d like to tell my husband I don’t have a problem with her coming over when I’m out, but I’d like her to be gone by the time I come back to avoid these interactions and give him a general idea of what she’s saying. Is that a reasonable ask?
—She’s Not Relaxing for Me
Dear She’s Not Relaxing,
Sure, I think it’s reasonable for you to spend as little time with your MIL as you can possibly get away with. But I also think your husband should be made aware (if he’s not already?) that his mother is only decent to you when he’s around. He should talk to her about it, making it clear that you both work hard to parent your kids, the division of labor in your marriage is none of her business, and her snide comments to you need to stop immediately.
Then the two of you can see how she responds. If she stops being rude the moment she gets you alone, great. If not, you and your husband can discuss what other steps you might want or need to take—I personally don’t think she should be invited over quite so often if she’s awful to you. You’ve turned to other sources of help when you need it; your husband can, too.
It’s great that you’re both making sure to get time for yourselves—and that you recognize it’s important for the other person to have it, too. I hope it helps stave off burnout in this intense phase of parenting you’re in. I’m also glad you’ve got a babysitter; babysitters have saved me on too many occasions to count. It sounds like you and your husband are a good team and that’s wonderful, but again, I think he needs to try to deal with his mother. You shouldn’t have to put up with her disrespect when your husband is out of earshot.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
If all else is equal, how much of the burden of traveling to visit family rests on the person who left? I’ve lived overseas for the past 20 years. In that time, my parents have visited me exactly three times, the last over 10 years ago.
They’re now in their mid-70s. My dad still works, but it’s for fun. They can afford to visit whenever they want. My husband and I are expected to visit every year for at least two weeks. We don’t have children. They also refuse to learn how to contact me themselves except via email. It’s on me to schedule every video call. Even when it’s on a Sunday, my father will still show up 20 minutes late because he refuses to reschedule walking the dog.
Every time we visit, we ask when they plan to reciprocate again. The answer was always “maybe next year,” but then something always comes up: a new roof, repairs to the swimming pool, and so on. The last time we visited, though, they just straight-up told us they aren’t willing to put up with the discomfort of travel. That was the last straw and I said they shouldn’t expect me to shoulder all the costs and do all the work. They agreed, but of course they’ve not learned how to start a video call or text an overseas number, nor have they mentioned looking into travel options for next summer. I’ve decided that I will go for a week in 2024 and make it clear that I’ll be staying home in 2025. Am I being reasonable? It’s not that I don’t want to see them, but the relationship is feeling very one-sided.
—One-Way Child
Dear One-Way Child,
It is reasonable not to visit your family in another country every year—the time, the expense, and the hassle of overseas travel are all legitimate factors that could keep you home some years. And ideally, it wouldn’t always fall to you to plan not only visits, but also regular video calls. Unfortunately, your parents seem to be used to this pattern, and now take it for granted that you’ll manage it.
It seems fine to me to visit them in 2024—while you’re there, show them how to start a video call and send an overseas text!—and let them know you’d love to see them at your place in 2025. (Obviously a lot can happen in a year or two, especially at their age, so try to be understanding if a legitimate health issue comes up that prevents their travel.) Make sure you tell them how important it is to you that they visit you at your home. In the meantime, maybe you can schedule a recurring video call once a month so that none of you have to set it up individually?
As for how much you can expect things to change: It depends on so many things, not only how much they want to see you. They’re in their mid-70s, set in their ways, and, it sounds like, technologically challenged? At their current ages, even if they’re very healthy, no doubt it’s still not a matter of “all things being equal” when it comes to overseas travel; what they referred to as the “discomfort of travel” may well affect them more than it does you. Even if they took on the burden of traveling to you half the time, it likely wouldn’t remain equal for long—will you expect them to fly to you as often as you fly to them when they’re 85, 90?
Down the road, if it’s harder for them to travel long distances but too much of a burden for you financially, you can talk with them about splitting the cost more evenly (can they help with tickets? etc.). If it remains wildly unbalanced and that continues to bother you, think about how often you can realistically make the long trek to see them without it being too burdensome, and how much you want to prioritize those visits. Maybe two weeks there is too long; it’s ok to downsize to one. Maybe you can’t go every year, but you can just commit to going if and when you can.
I get the sense that you’re not only annoyed, but also hurt by all the one-way travel and communication. And I understand why: You’re motivated to see and talk to your parents, and you want them to be motivated to see and talk to you. I think perhaps it’s worth sharing that with them. They may know that you’re irritated; they may not grasp that you’re hurt by the one-sidedness of your relationship. Whether or not they change their ways, I think they should hear and understand how important this is to you.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Three years ago, my husband and I uprooted our family to relocate halfway across the country for my aging parents. He was very opposed to the move and he warned me repeatedly that he would hate the climate, hate the culture, be miserable all the time, etc. I was certain that it was just fear of the unknown (he generally hates change) and that once we’d settled in, he’d love our new locale. So I pressed hard and he eventually gave in. That was a grave error on my part.
Husband is exactly as miserable as he said he would be. Whether or not it’s a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy, the end-effect is the same: He is a deeply unpleasant person to be around, ricocheting between short-tempered and lethargic. Any attempts on my part to address this are met with, “What did you expect? It’s your fault. I told you I didn’t want this.”
He won’t go to marriage counseling or get screened for depression (“Nothing is wrong with me; it’s the life you forced on me”). What’s more, he rejects my sincere offers to move back to our old home state; he says the kids are bonded to their grandparents, they love their school, their quality of life is better, etc. I don’t know what to do. I accept a lot of the blame for his struggles, because I did, indeed, push him into this. But I also feel like he’s outsourced the responsibility for any of his negative emotions onto me, because he sees me as the root of his problems. Do I leave him, and then be the person who ruined his life twice over? Or do I resign myself to being a punching bag forever?
—Move Mistake
Dear Move Mistake,
I agree with you that it was wrong to pressure your husband into a move he didn’t support. I know you said the move was for your aging parents, but I will say that I also understand wanting to move closer to family—and perhaps a stronger support system—if your husband has always had these persistent anger issues and a tendency to blame you for how he feels and acts. In any case, he has a right to be upset about the move. But in a healthier situation, I think he would have been able to acknowledge and express that anger without making everyone else miserable for three years, and the two of you might have then worked toward some kind of compromise or solution—together. Instead, he’s turned this into him versus you, a never-ending fight you’ll never win so long as he keeps throwing that (again, very real!) mistake in your face.
Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like some part of him wants to continue punishing you, and that this is taking precedence over anything that could help salvage your marriage. He’s refusing counseling and/or treatment that could help him—help you both—move forward. He won’t even engage with you on the question of what you could do to make things even slightly better. Whether or not you stay together, the current pattern of blame and victimhood he’s established seems really unhealthy for him and for your entire family. And I suppose I have a hard time believing that his short temper, vindictiveness, and stonewalling is entirely the fault of your relocation? When you think about your marriage before the move, were there patterns (perhaps less intense or prolonged) of this kind of anger and ongoing emotional punishment before, that the move then exacerbated?
This is a hard situation, and you’re the one who’s living it—you’re the only one who can decide whether you think this is reconcilable or not. But in case it helps at all, I don’t see the situation as you “ruining his life twice over,” whichever you choose. You may be responsible for some of his current unhappiness. That does not make you responsible for all of his choices or actions.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter is 10 and in fifth grade. My husband and I have long planned to get her first smartphone at 13 (or maybe at the start of high school if we still have concerns about her maturity at 13). But the most common age for the first smartphone in our community has dropped down to around 10, and that’s making me reconsider our plan.
My daughter told me that everyone has one and she’s feeling increasingly left out. (I did ask her who specifically “everyone” was and she’s not exaggerating—it’s all her school friends and all but one of her dance friends.) Her examples are that her friends have all these inside jokes from their group chats that she doesn’t get. She doesn’t get to talk with them as much as they get to talk to each other. They plan hangouts in the group chat and then invite her once they’ve settled on a day and time, but she’s often unavailable because she wasn’t in the chat to say what days worked for her. I offered to let her use my phone to chat for 15-20 minutes a day, but she said it’s not the same because her friends are chatting on and off throughout the school day afternoons and weekends.
I genuinely believe that 10 is too young for a smartphone, and I wish more parents in my community felt the same way. But since they don’t, now I have to weigh the harms of the phone against the harms of being cut off from a big part of how her peers socialize. Should we cave and get her a phone? If we do, what limitations should we set to minimize the negative effects?
—Phone Dilemma
Dear Phone Dilemma,
I wish I had a solution for you. I didn’t get my daughter a smartphone when she was 10. But I did when she turned 12, despite really wishing to hold off until high school, because I’d observed the same thing you have: Without a phone, she was missing out on a lot of social interaction and planning. (And of course none of her friends wanted to text their inside jokes or crush-related gossip to my phone.)
Tweens and teens really need friend-time. Yes, smartphones have made that kind of weird and intense and constant—and I believe phones are terrible for kids’ attention spans and developing brains and all of that—but without one, at a certain (and increasingly young) age, they will miss out on a lot of conversations and feel disconnected from their friends as a result. You need to weigh the pros and cons, and consider whether you think your daughter is responsible enough to have a phone and adhere to whatever rules and limits you put in place. Different kids do have different needs, which is partly why some parents cave and get the phone at 10 and others wait—your decision needs to be based on what you know about your specific child. It’s ok to get her a phone if you ultimately decide that it’s important for her socially. It’s also ok to tell her no, you’re sorry to disappoint her, but it’s going to have to wait for now.
I don’t know that there’s a ton you can do, honestly, between the age of whenever-you-get-your-child-a-phone and 18, to “minimize the negative effects” of what will no doubt be a lifetime of reliance on a device. (It would also be hypocritical of me to preach a lot about this when my phone is always within five feet of me.) But I think it’s smart to think about setting reasonable limits to at least try to encourage responsible phone usage, with guardrails shifting or fading as she gets older. You asked about limits: There are features and apps that allow you to cap screentime at a certain number of hours per day, approve apps, filter out adult content, lock certain apps or lock the entire phone before bedtime, etc. You and your husband should know her phone passcode. I think your daughter is too young for social media, but if or when she creates those accounts, you should know the handles and be able to view posts. Remember that whenever you get her a phone, it’ll be her lifeline to her friends. Respect her privacy as much as you can, and when she’s older, try loosening some phone limits to see if she can learn to manage her phone time herself.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
My husband and I met very young and had kids right away. It’s now 25 years later and the kids are off to college, our life together is comfortable. We’re still in love, and everything should be perfect. Except it’s not. I have recurring fantasies of just leaving everything behind, moving to the other coast, and starting over all by myself. I dream of finding a small apartment, furnishing it exactly as I want, leaving a mess when I don’t feel like cleaning up, eating whatever and whenever I want, and basically being a single girl in my 20s, minus the dating and insecurities. I have no desire to find another man; I just want to be alone. Is this impulse bizarre and unhealthy? Is it a phase I should just grit my teeth and barrel through? Is it something that will eat away at me until I get off my ass and do it? Can I do it without hurting him too much?
