How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been married for four and a half years, and while our sex life was great for the first two years (daily, or sometimes twice daily), since the birth of our son two years ago, she has been mostly uninterested in sex. This is a problem because I have a very high drive, so after two or three days without being intimate, I start to get bitter at all the things she would rather make time for than sex: listing items on Poshmark, crocheting, yoga, etc.
I’ve expressed that I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal to take 30 or 40 minutes to care for me every few days, even if she’s not champing at the bit to get laid, especially since I fully support her so she can be home with our son rather than work. When I express this, she gets indignant and acts like I’m disgusting for trying to coerce her into sex. She tries to explain that women can’t be sexual when they’re not in the mood and acts like me expecting her to is somehow on the same spectrum as rape.
At this point, I usually stop talking and walk away because the conversation never goes well from there, but I still feel bitter because I don’t want to work, pay a mortgage, or do any of the myriad things I do to provide a comfortable life for her, but I do them anyway because I believe that doing things you don’t want to do sometimes is just part of life. It’s hard to fight the growing frustration that there are prostitutes more dedicated to their pimp than my wife is to me, and it seems that my wife is repulsed by me but is afraid to admit it.
Is it sexist that I expect my wife to make an effort to be intimate and care for me when I need it? I should add that despite not working, she doesn’t keep much of a home either, which to be fair didn’t bother me that much when we were being intimate regularly, as I’m not a neat freak, but now I’m left feeling as if I have a live-in baby mama that has sex with me once in a while to keep me on the hook rather than a wife.
—Feeling Used
Dear Feeling Used,
I’m shocked that you didn’t sign off “Love, The Patriarchy.” Yeah, I think your approach is sexist, and it has all the entitlement that has traditionally inspired men to take what they want from women, irrespective of their feelings. This isn’t a bartering system, and you don’t have a right to one thing because you provide another. That’s just not how it works. You aren’t working and paying the mortgage for your wife; you’re doing it for your family, which includes you—if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have a home. It is true that life is full of demands that you might not otherwise attend to were they not obligatory, but sex exists in its own category. Bodily autonomy is crucial to one’s sense of well-being, and a lot of people are extremely sensitive about their sexuality. It’s not something like getting out of bed and going to work—it’s something more personal, perhaps spiritual, and for some, not very well understood to boot. Your wife doesn’t owe you her body because you are the breadwinner. You overlook what she does contribute—chiefly, child care of a 2-year-old, which is a full-time job and not an easy one—and you strike a false equivalency. Comparing your income earning with her sexual apathy is like comparing apples to dildos.
It’s not uncommon for women to experience low libido after giving birth—and this can last for years, even. You don’t seem to have taken that into account, nor do you seem to know that pressuring someone into sex is a practically guaranteed way to kill their desire. And, look, I feel for you—I do think that your wife should be putting some effort into your sex life. But I also don’t think you’ve made it easy for her to do so at all. If she acts like you’re disgusting for trying to coerce her into sex, it’s probably because your approach is disgusting her. If she already has a lack of motivation, browbeating her isn’t going to help your cause. You’re just pushing her further away from it, and you. If she feels that what you’re doing is on the same spectrum as rape, that’s not a cue for you to double down indignantly—it’s a cue for you to reevaluate your behavior and try a different approach.
Your transactional attitude misses something crucial about sex—it’s for sharing. It’s not only about your needs; it’s about both of you enjoying each other. What is she into? Can you find it within yourself to be generous to her sexually, and not just come asking for requests? Is there anything you can do to make this more appealing to her? Have you even bothered to inquire? Do you have any sense of the world outside your existence? Signs point to no. On that note, I doubt you’ve actually talked to many sex workers to understand their dedication to their work and pimps or how it contrasts with your wife’s experience.
In a word, what you need is empathy. You may feel bitter after a few days of not getting any, but you are still alive to badger another day. Support for your wife, a survey of her needs and attempt to meet them, and perhaps some therapy (individual and/or couples) could do wonders. What you’re doing now isn’t working for you, so from a strictly pragmatic perspective, a change could serve you well.
Dear How to Do It,
Is prone masturbation a big deal? Growing up in a repressed household, I only ever masturbated by lying down and humping against a soft surface, which has been working for me so far, but it also means I can’t really reach orgasm any other way. Now that I have become independent and have the chance to date other men, I’m worried that my ability to come only through this method will affect my sex life, and it’s giving me anxiety on how to proceed. I also want to try exploring new ways of masturbating, but the problem is, I can’t seem to reach orgasm with my hands or any sort of toys!
Is there some way I can train myself to actually reach orgasm by jerking off or with some kind of anal play? Or am I doomed to be able to come only by humping the bed?
—Consequences of the Hump-Only Method
Dear Hump-Only Method,
Anxiety is the fear of that which has not yet happened, which is to say that your guess as to how this will affect your sex life is as good as anyone’s. I’ve seen some internet chatter about the supposed dangers of prone masturbation (and plenty of people pushing back to say that’s how they do it and they’re fine). I think it’s like any idiosyncratic masturbation technique—you can become so used to it that it eclipses all (or most) other forms of sexual stimulation. That’s the thrust of this Healthline article on it. The piece points out that masturbating in this way puts a lot of pressure on your penis. Other methods of masturbating simply may feel less intense in comparison.
Changing one’s masturbation technique can be a long process, so if you’re interested in doing so, devote the time and stick with it. To start the transition, you might want to masturbate via your trusted method up until climax, then switch to another method to get yourself over the finish line. You might abstain for a few days/weeks—that can make lesser touch feel more pleasurable. You also could incorporate lube and, yes, prostate play via dildo, plug, or prostate massager. Be patient with yourself. If you can’t seem to make much progress with alterations, consider a masturbation coach (it’s a real job) or intimacy coach, who can advise you in real time.
Since you don’t have actual evidence that this will affect your sex life, though, you can also proceed with partnered sex and see how it works out. There are guys who can finish with a partner only if they masturbate themselves, and while that may not seem ideal, the job gets done regardless. If you’re interested in bottoming, your technique may even come in handy if you’re getting it from behind while lying stomach-down on the bed. (This position can feel really good for the guy who’s topping but can be inconvenient for the bottom if he wants to stroke himself.) What you perceive as a negative from this POV might actually end up being a positive.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m currently having an issue where I’d love to sleep with my boyfriend, but I constantly get yeast infections when I do. As such, we haven’t slept together in a while. We always use condoms, and he often goes down on me. He’s also the only partner this has happened with, which leads us to believe that it could be the condoms/lube or his mouth flora. To be on the safe side, I’m bringing it up with my gyno to see her thoughts and recommendations, and he is getting a candida test.
In your opinion, is there anything else we could do, and do you have recommendations on condoms for “sensitive” vaginas? For reference, I have sensitive skin almost everywhere else.
—Just Tryna Get Laid
Dear Just Tryna Get Laid,
A few things to keep in mind here, per the take of an STI expert (H. Hunter Handsfield) in a previous column: Sex partners share their microbiomes, and yeast flare-ups tend to be of one’s own existing yeast. “Yeast is rarely transmitted by sex,” the doctor told me. That doesn’t mean it’s not happening, and I do think that talking to your gyno and giving him a candida test are good next steps.
As to whether the condoms are playing a factor here, a titan as big as condom maker Trojan admits on its website that it’s “tricky” to say whether condoms can cause yeast infections. The brand admits that condoms can make some people more irritated. In that case, I would switch up the material of the condoms you’re using. There are lambskin condoms, there are ones made of polyisoprene, and ones made of polyethylene resin. It’s too hard to make the call of what’s going to work for you—all bodies are different. You should try these non-latex materials and see what feels the best and which, if any, leave you without irritation. Also consider changing up your lube—try a different brand. If you’re using silicone, try water-based, and vice versa.
—Rich
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