Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My niece and my nephew are only five years apart, but they were raised in radically different ways. My niece was expected to have straight A’s in all her honor classes and be a star athlete. Her parents never expressed pride in her, only berated her if she missed the bar. My nephew was so coddled over his dyslexia and ADHD that I would not be surprised if my sister still wipes his butt. He plays video games and squeaks by in remedial classes, despite being tested at a higher level. He is a smart kid, but the minute something requires any effort, he quits.
Last year, while I was visiting and my niece was back from college, her brother was surprised with a party because he managed to get a C in English. My sister baked him a cake and let him order whatever he wanted for takeout. I went upstairs and caught my niece wiping tears from her face. She told me her parents had never done that for her. My niece skipped all the holidays at home this year. She claimed she was too busy. Now she hasn’t been taking her parents’ calls. My sister is frantic and thinks her daughter is on drugs or has joined a cult. I told her that she is 21 and will be graduating with her master’s. She has a lot on her plate. I didn’t tell her that I think her daughter is preparing to go low- or no-contact because of the obvious favoritism toward her brother. I have reached out to my niece, but she hasn’t responded. Is it worth trying to have a conversation with my sister?
—Aunt on the Side
Dear Aunt,
Your niece is a young adult and out on her own now, so I don’t think you need to speak up for her the way you might if she were a little kid with nowhere to go and no voice of her own. She should definitely be the one to decide whether she wants to confront her parents about the way she has been treated or whether taking some space and focusing on her new life feels better to her at this point. Don’t say anything else on her behalf.
I do, however, think you should continue to try to make contact with her, even if it requires some pushiness. When you walked in on her crying and she told you why, she showed some willingness to open up to you. Call her again. Leave a voicemail. Send a care package. Write a long text whose themes include “Just thinking about you,” “I’m incredibly proud,” “I know you haven’t received the attention you deserve from your parents, and I really want to provide that to you,” “Can we Zoom or FaceTime?” and “Your graduation is coming up. I’d love to take the lead on planning a celebration.” Keep in mind that this is a person who didn’t get the attention and affirmation she needed growing up, and she might have a lot of walls up. So you may need to kind of insist upon yourself (in a pleasant and understanding but persistent way) to find your place in her life. Once you establish a trusting connection with her, tell her that if she ever wants to confront your sister, you’ll be right there to stand up for her.
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Dear Prudence,
I ended a relationship a decade ago with a man I truly loved because of the baggage of his first marriage. His ex had an ax to grind and didn’t care if their two kids got caught in the middle. She played mind games about how their dad was going to “replace” them with the new babies he was going to make with me (I don’t want kids and can’t have them), would promise them all kinds of craziness (and blame their dad when it didn’t materialize), and trashed any gifts the kids got from us. The oldest was only 10 and seeing two separate therapists because of the stress they were under.
I loved him, but the situation was not survivable. He recently reached out to me. Both his kids are in college now, and he wants to make another go of it. He tells me that his kids both encouraged him to do so and that his ex has mellowed out since her remarriage. Am I crazy for wanting to give this a second try, or am I just setting myself up for another round of madness?
—Second Time Around
Dear Second Time Around,
Not crazy at all. Many times, when people describe an ex as the problem in a relationship, the details reveal that it was actually their partner’s handling of the ex that was the problem. But I see nothing in your letter to indicate that this man did anything that you found troubling or treated you poorly. Go ahead and give it another shot.
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Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law is a truly amazing person. After retiring at the top of their fields, she and my father-in-law spend their time volunteering for various causes, from running toy drives for hospitalized children to single-handedly preparing sandwiches for hundreds of homeless people in our community. They still manage to be fantastic grandparents and parents. They’ve always been helpful and respectful, our son adores them, and my husband has the kind of healthy relationship with them I could only dream of having with my (estranged) parents.
However, while my MIL has never been anything but polite and kind to me, she has always kept me at arm’s length. Multiple attempts on my end to reach out—suggesting a spa day or a movie, inviting her to brunch, etc.—are declined in a very gracious manner. She is friendly with me over text and in person, but she is super close with my sister-in-law, who was childhood friends with my husband’s brother and whom she has known for decades. It seems like I will always be an “outsider” compared to her, even though I have been with my husband for seven years (and married for five). Whenever I bring up my feelings with my husband, he says that his mom loves having me in the family and has never once spoken badly about me. But while that may be true, it feels lonely to have the sweetest woman ever just be cordial to me. How can I handle my feelings and/or fix my relationship with my MIL?
—The Invisible DIL
Dear Invisible DIL,
I’m tempted to send you 20 or 30 of the letters in my inbox about mothers-in-law who hate their daughters-in-law and vice versa. So many people in these relationships are terrorizing each other. I would hope you would read them and come away with the perspective that the relationship you have may actually be perfect. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with your desire for more closeness with your husband’s mom—I think it says a lot about how amazing she is and how appreciative you are, and how much love you have to give. But there’s also so much to celebrate about the way things are right now. The helpfulness! The respect! The kindness! The fact that she has her own full life! The way she stays out of your business—not criticizing your parenting, not placing extreme demands on your husband, not demanding money or using threats about inheritance to manipulate you. These are the things many married couples dream of when it comes to their relationships with the older generation.
There are endless explanations for your MIL’s decision to keep you at arm’s length. Of course, we have to acknowledge the possibility that she just doesn’t enjoy you as a person, or that you unintentionally said something offensive to her years ago and she’s holding a grudge. But I doubt that’s it. My bet is that she has an extremely full, busy life that includes many people (like your sister-in-law) whom she has known forever, and she doesn’t have the time in any given week for extra activities or the emotional need for new, deep connections. She’s happy her beloved son is married to a wonderful woman, and that’s about as much thought as she gives to the situation. In other words: It’s not personal. Instead of pushing for closeness, take the loneliness you feel as a motivation to create a life for yourself as full of meaningful and healthy relationships as hers is.
Dear Prudence,
My ex and I broke up when our daughter was a few months old. Since then, it has been hot and cold over how cooperative she is with our custody arrangements. I had to get the police involved several times because she refused to hand over our daughter during my pickup. Currently, my ex gets only every other weekend and alternating Wednesday afternoons after completing her anger and parenting courses.
Our daughter is 7 now. She has started “remembering” fictional events of our former relationship. Like the time we went to the beach. Or when my grandmother gave my ex her wedding ring. Or the time we had a puppy and I made her mommy give it away. Beyond the fact that my daughter couldn’t possibly have remembered anything at the age of a few months, none of this ever happened. All of these “memories” started after my ex was allowed by the court to have unsupervised visits with our daughter. I have tried to redirect my daughter when she gets on these tangents, but they keep cropping up. What do I do here, short of telling my daughter that her mommy is “mistaken” and none of this really happened?
—Telling the Truth
Dear Telling the Truth,
This kid has been through a lot, and I worry that telling her she’s wrong or letting her know that her mom is a liar (even if that’s the truth) will hurt and confuse her yet again. So, your best line when it comes to harmless made-up memories like a trip to the beach will be something like “What do you think about that?” or “How did it make you feel when Mom told you that story?” At the same time, I understand that you’ll want to clear your own name and refute a story that involves you abandoning a dog, so in those cases, try, “I remember that differently” before redirecting to “What do you like better: puppies or kittens?”
It’s going to take so much discipline and restraint on your part, but you should remember that you’re in this for the long haul. At some point when your daughter is in her teens or 20s, she’s going to do that thing where you suddenly start to look at your parents as real people and evaluate them according to what they’ve done instead of what they’ve told you about themselves. Your goal should be that, when you get to that point, she has a childhood full of memories with you that feature honesty, consistency, fairness, following through on your word, and yes, kindness to animals! Her mom, I’m guessing, will have a very different track record. And when she compares what she’s seen from each of you, she’s going to understand everything. Getting there is going to be a lot more work than saying “Mom’s lying to you again!” but it will be better for everyone in the end.
Classic Prudie
My lovely purchase after my divorce was a beautiful loft condo in the heart of a very desirable city. It is open concept, so the only enclosed room is the bathroom. I have two pull-out sofas and love company for a limited time. My sister, Jenny, has told me she is hurt that she and her husband haven’t been invited while a distant relative (a lovely girl who made me breakfast in bed) has been invited twice. Well, Jenny and her husband snore.
