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BLOOMIN' NELL!
‘I tried out Derry Girls and Ted Lasso stars’ stunts for new Disney+ show and I’m still in pain’
Turns out being hoisted into the air by your groin isn't all fun and games
"SO... We're going to end this by kicking you in the stomach, and you're going to be thrown through the air into this pile of boxes," I'm told.
This may be the first and only time I would be excited by such a prospect - and I'd only met the guy an hour ago.
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The man in question is James Embree, a stuntman to the stars whose work previously includes No Time to Die, The Dark Knight Rises and Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning.
Now, the new mission he's chosen to accept is teaching me stunts in the name of new Disney+ series, Renegade Nell - I suspect he and the team weren't as prepared for it to be as much of a mission as it was.
When I was offered the chance to be Renegade Nell for the day, I said yes without hesitation... and then I was sent a video of Ted Lasso star Nick Mohammed, who said he'd been "violently sick" every night after rehearsals.
It was then I began to question what exactly it was I'd signed up for.
Sent to the outskirts of London and the famed Pinewood - home of some of the biggest and best British movies ever created - the day was split into two sessions: sword play, and wire work.
Turns out the one I thought I would be good at, the sword work, was pretty hard. For safety, each move is played out like a dance routine, and despite my self-belief, I have two left feet.
One wrong move, and I've hit the woman who's been trained to be my opponent pretty hard in the arm. The guilt I felt was enough to make me realise I never would have made it as the badass, no-mercy highwaywoman I was currently pretending to be.
Thankfully, the team have the patience of saints and the swords were made of wood, so soon we were getting something together that seemed kind of like I knew what I was doing.
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At the very least, I wasn't actually injuring anyone anymore.
What is Renegade Nell about?
Set in 1705, Nell Jackson, a quick-witted young woman with a supernaturally special gift, finds herself framed for murder and unexpectedly becomes the most notorious outlaw in England.
With the help of supernatural fairy sidekick, a plucky little sprite called Billy Blind, Nell realises that fate has put her on the wrong side of the law for a reason - a reason much bigger than she could have ever imagined.
Written by Happy Valley and Gentleman Jack creator Sally Wainwright, Renegade Nell has an all-star cast including Louisa Hadland (Derry Girls), Nick Mohammed (Ted Lasso), Joely Richardson (Nip/Tuck) and Adrian Lester (Hustle).
All eight episodes are available now on Disney+.
But then came the wire work - and I'm not kidding when I say it was just as fun as you could imagine it to be.
But it is also pretty uncomfortable. Turns out being hoisted into the air by a harness awkwardly positioned around your groin and bum might leave you walking a little like a cowboy, if you stay in it long enough.
But for the price of feeling like a Hollywood movie star, the trade off was totally worth it. Hooked up to rigs in the ceiling, I found my centre of gravity suddenly in the power of three men and some ropes. One count of three and I was being flung around.
When I first got pulled up, I yelped - but after that, my inner stuntwoman kicked in, and I wanted to do as many tricks as possible.
At first, my natural instinct going up and down on the wires was to pose with one hand on my hip and the other in the air like Peter Pan in panto during a disco number, for some reason. Apparently this isn't normal.
It took me a while to get over it, but once I did I was being yanked backwards from one side of the room to the other, leaping over men charging at me, and twirling around in the air like the show's helpful sprite, Billy Blind.
Then it was just a case of putting it all together.
For the finale, we created a scene from the sword work, that ended with me being "kicked and launched into a wall of boxes".
I'm pretty sure I'd waited my entire life for an excuse to do something like that. Anyone who doesn't hasn't had an intrusive thought about jumping into a neatly stacked pile of boxes is a liar, and I finally got permission to do it in my 30s.
The absolute joy I felt as we nailed the show could've matched any magic Billy Blind could've provided.
Lessons were learned during my day as a stunt woman.
1) The wire harness will do wonders for your posture, but you will feel it for at least two days later.
2) Patience is the biggest skill required if you ever want to be a stunt person, especially when arranging complicated tricks,
Read more on the Scottish Sun
and 3) Stunt teams are even more badass than anyone gives them credit for, and that's saying something.
Renegade Nell is available to stream now on Disney+.
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