The Rwanda Bill has passed, because the Tories know best. They’ve decided that it’s a safe country, despite the Supreme Court ruling exactly the opposite only months ago, and little totally ignorable things like security forces there opening fire on asylum seekers in 2018, killing 12. La la la Rishi Sunak can’t hear you.
So, apparently, despite clear evidence to the contrary, all logic and basic common sense we can now just decide that things that aren’t true ARE true because we really want them to be, and it’s more convenient for us if they are. Fantastic! Ok so for starters: Money does actually grow on trees. If you haven’t found any yet, you must not be looking at the right kind of tree. Keep searching.
Lighten up, doom-mongers! Global warming just means we all get to enjoy lots of lovely sunny weather with absolutely no strings attached, and zero future consequences. The two sexes are totally equal nowadays, misogyny has been entirely wiped out, and a man and woman doing exactly the same job always get paid exactly the same salary.
The football team you support are definitely the best and will always win every single match they play. No-one you love with ever die! Hooray! The political party you support will win every election, because the whole country agrees with you because you’re so obviously right about this, and also everything else.
The Highway Code has been amended so that you have the right of way, wherever you’re driving. You can also park wherever you want, for free. Although not sure why you’d ever drive, what with public transport being so incredibly reliable and reasonably priced.
The NHS has just announced a dedicated doctor and team of nurses for every single patient, because they are so overstaffed due to the enormous salaries on offer, and excellent working conditions. This of course means waiting lists are a thing of the past – you will have your operation the same day your GP (who it was super quick and easy to get an immediate face to face appointment with) decides that you need one. We can all marry a billionaire, become Prime Minister without being elected and just decide the law is what we say it is, despite it not being true. Oh, no, that one’s just Rishi.