We might be ‘the greatest love story ever told’

I made the decision to end our friendship/relationship because I felt it was the right thing to do. She’s convinced that she is with the person she intends to marry. Do I believe her when she says he’s the one? No, I don’t. I have this thought that she feels obligated to be with him because of the time they’ve been together. But I have to respect her choice. I want her in my life more than you know, but I feel ending what we have is the right decision.

That being said, this whole thing makes me feel awful because I am with a great woman. But … is she the one? That I’m not sure of. I only think of her in the present. But when I think of the future, I have a hard time now placing her there with me. Maybe I’m holding onto hope and need more time to purge this other woman from my being. She is intertwined deeply in my soul. And because of that, I fear I may never separate her from me.

I want us to finish what we started. I could literally write a novel about us. I used to tell her that we have the makings of the greatest love story ever told. I do miss her dearly and think about her constantly. I hope to find her again, if not in this life then the next.

HOPELESSLY IN LOVE

A. You’re not looking for advice, you say? Sorry. It’s coming.

I like to give soft love to letter writers (as opposed to the tough kind), because 1. It takes courage to share a problem, and it suggests the letter writer wants to make a better life, and 2. I count on our regular commenters to say, “You’ve got to be kidding me with this behavior…” whenever necessary. They get to the point when they’re frustrated.

Today, though, I will say, in my tough-love voice: Break up with your girlfriend.

You’re more interested in dreaming about a reincarnated life with this new woman than enjoying what you have with your current partner. Maybe the short-term tryst is making it impossible to see the potential with your girlfriend, but I doubt it. It sounds like you’d be fine walking away from this relationship if the new woman were single. That says it all.

Breaking up with your girlfriend gives her the chance to find a better love for herself. If she knew she was your second choice, I’m not sure she’d want to stay.

Being single also makes space for you to grieve the loss of this newer relationship. If you believe in things like the universe, and I assume you do, it also puts a message out there that you’re available for a great love, whether it’s with a single version of this recent object of affection or someone else.

I don’t think you can purge anything until you’ve done right by the person who’s been sticking around for you. Be honest with her — in a loving way. Be kind and answer all questions.

It will be difficult, but better.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

You need to let go of this “right person, wrong time” idea. That might apply if she had a husband and 3 little kids and wanted to be with you but felt she needed to keep her family together. She is just dating this guy. She could easily walk away at any time if she shared your feelings. She has told you she would prefer to be with him than with you. You need to believe her and let her go completely (and also break up with your girlfriend who you clearly aren’t that serious about).

DDL314

You cannot speak for what this other woman thinks or feels. You can speak about how you feel and what is coming through loud and clear is you are not in love with your current girlfriend. So yes, break up with her. You are projecting a love story, because you aren’t happy in your current relationship. And let me tell you, you and thousands of other people have written professing the same fantasy. It never works out the way you think or want. You aren’t the exception to the rule, no matter how much you try to convince yourself.

-ALFA-

I had great neighbors. The wife recently went into a nursing home after her husband had died in November. He’d been an active guy, out raking and snowblowing neighbors’ sidewalks. She relied on him greatly, given her arthritis. When I saw them together, they were always kind and caring toward each other and everyone around them. I think of elderly couples like that when I think of great love stories.

DANGLEPARTICIPLE

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