NANA AKUA: Our seedy Eurovision entry that simulates a sex act in a toilet makes me embarrassed to be British

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Five half-naked men simulating sex acts in a grotty, neon-lit lavatory.

No, this is not the scene in some seedy Berlin brothel, but the UK entry to the 2024 Eurovision Song Contest.

When I watched the clip of Olly Alexander performing his song 'Dizzy' in the semi-final on Tuesday night, it made me embarrassed to be British.

Former frontman of the pop group Years & Years, 33-year-old Olly Alexander is notorious for baring his skin on stage. However, this time, the man who once said he 'feels very non-binary' has taken things too far.

Olly Alexander will perform his song Dizzy at Eurovision on Saturday, which has sparked controversy for its sexualised content

The 33-year-old took to the stage for the semi-final in Malmo, Sweden, on Tuesday and performed a provocative routine

He gyrates around the stage in a red codpiece along with a group of shirtless backing dancers

Throughout his three-minute song (if you can dignify it with the word), Alexander gyrates around the stage in a red codpiece, thrusting his hips around like a rogue hose pipe. Meanwhile, his four strapping male backing dancers suggestively lick their lips, grab at whatever's between their legs (you never know these days), rub each other's torsos and - though I can't believe I'm saying this - bounce around on all fours.

Is this really what it's come to? Sixty-seven years after Britain first entered Eurovision: a woke nobody simulating sex on a barren stage dressed in trousers so tight I thought he was about to go up another octave?

This year's competition is being held in Malmo, Sweden, with the Grand Final taking place on Saturday night. Like most Brits, I feel an overwhelming sense of apathy. I didn't even know the event was on until an appalled friend texted me about Alexander's performance.

However, this year, I feel a genuine twinge of sadness too. As a young girl, I used to love Eurovision. It really was a family event. We would crowd around our small television set, laughing at Terry Wogan's witty commentary and admiring the costumes, songs and variable talents flickering before us. I remember our phone would be ringing constantly as friends and neighbours called up to gossip about each performer in turn.

Where did it all go wrong?

Launched in 1956, Eurovision was once a celebration of artistry and continental togetherness. Now, it is a sexualised jamboree where the trans flag is more ubiquitous than the Union Flag or the Tricolour.

Catchy songs have been replaced by migraine-inducing synthetic beats, family-friendly dance routines by something more closely resembling pornography and love for one's country replaced with love for oneself.

So, as the circus rolls onto our screens once again, I can't help but ask, whatever happened to the Eurovision I knew and loved?

The lack of patriotism is a serious issue with contemporary British acts. Admittedly, Alexander deserves credit for not succumbing to the demands of those calling for him to boycott the competition in protest against Israel's inclusion. But he has ludicrously branded the Union Flag 'divisive' and announced that he has an 'ambivalent' relationship with it. Perhaps, if he also had a less ambivalent attitude towards the art of singing, his odds of winning might be greater than the current billing of 100/1. And having watched his performance, I think that's generous.

Our entry in 2023 was no better. Mae Muller - remember her? She was the 25-year-old crooner who was found to have tweeted: 'I hate this country' as well as proudly proclaiming: 'I do not feel sorry for him,' referring to Prime Minister Boris Johnson during his life-threatening hospital admission with acute Covid in 2020.

Look, I don't care if it's singing, football or tiddlywinks - if you're representing your country, it's a privilege. Anyone who talks this great nation down should be banned from representing it. It's as simple as that.

Muller outdid herself, coming second from last - ahead of only Germany - with 24 points. That's 24 more than I would've given her. Her tune was titled I Wrote a Song, which - ironically - was actually written for her by established songwriters Karen Poole and Lewis Thompson (Muller was given a songwriting credit, presumably to spare total embarrassment.)

Lulu's brilliant Boom Bang-A-Bang was one of four winners each scoring top marks in 1969

Sandie Shaw won the Eurovision in 1967 with Puppet On A String. The song went on to be a worldwide hit

Brotherhood Of Man won with Save Your Kisses For Me in 1976 - and it remains the top-selling winning Eurovision single of all time

Katrina And The Waves performed  Love Shine A Light in 1997, which had a strong vocal and unifying message

A great pop-star has a brilliant voice, luminous presence and good looks. Unfortunately, Ms Muller had none of these traits. As she stood in front of her microphone last year, I can't have been the only one wondering whether she was about to sing into it or eat it. Unsurprisingly, she was dropped by her label in January this year and has since faded into total obscurity.

It might be hard to believe, but there was once a time the UK put up acts who were fun, talented and proud to be British.

Who remembers Katrina And The Waves in 1997 with Love Shine A Light? It might not have had the neon lights and pyrotechnics of today's performances, but it had a strong vocal, a catchy chorus and a genuinely unifying message.

In 1967, the inimitable Sandie Shaw won with Puppet On A String; the song was so good it went on to be a worldwide hit. The following year, Cliff Richard came second with Congratulations and the year after that Lulu's brilliant Boom Bang-a-Bang was one of four winners each scoring top marks. Fast forward to 1976 and Brotherhood Of Man won with Save Your Kisses for Me - still the top-selling winning Eurovision single of all time.

Despite our rich heritage in the competition, the UK has become a laughing stock. With the notable exception of Sam Ryder with Space Man in 2022, who came second after Ukraine, Britain has been pretty consistently near the bottom of the pile since the turn of the millennium.

Sure, Eurovision is now a stick with which Europe beats us in a hopeless attempt to get revenge for Brexit - Britain's 2019 entrant Michael Rice claimed he 'always knew' he would come last in the competition due to hostility from the bloc after the 2016 referendum. But the quality of our acts is the real reason we do so badly.

What does it matter, you may quite rightly ask? Well, whether you like it or not, Eurovision is a global event. Last year, 162 million people tuned in for the final - around a fifth of the population of Europe. And so why should we allow woke anti-Britain activists to represent us on such a massive stage?

Mae Muller came second from last in 2023, scoring just 24 points - just ahead of Germany - with her entry I Wrote A Song

Sam Ryder came second to Ukraine in 2022 with Space Man

I'm proud to be British. I'm proud of the Union Flag, of His Majesty the King and of our Armed Forces. And it's about damn time the likes of Olly Alexander were too. It's only because of our great country - and the ultimate sacrifice paid by those who came before him - that Mr Alexander is able to spend his life frolicking on stage singing his lewd pop ditties.

'Last night was amazing,' gushed Olly, appearing on ITV's Lorraine the morning after his semi-final appearance. I'm afraid, young man, the nation does not agree, given his shaky vocals and tacky presentation. So here's a message from me: put on some clothes, learn to sing and embrace the country that raised you.

One of the favourites to win this year's competition is the Irish entry, non-binary singer Bambie Thug whose costume had to be altered on the orders of the competition's organisers as it was previously emblazoned with the words 'Free Palestine' in an old Irish script. (Political statements are forbidden, though of course this doesn't extend to the trans flag.)

And then there was the 31-year-old's extraordinary outburst at a press conference yesterday. 'Do you know what makes me special?' Bambie asked the assembled press: 'I'm queer… and I'm a witch!' The singer screamed the final word before falling into a maniacal laugh that sent a shiver down my spine.

'We're all going to shine a light together,' sang Katrina And The Waves at Eurovision in 1997. I'm afraid that light may have been well and truly extinguished. And it's nul points from me.