Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I (35F) am the primary earner/breadwinner working 50-60-hour weeks, while my husband (40M) works nights twice a week and takes care of our 4-year-old twins three days a week. Despite working full time, I’m still the primary parent and I tend to spend the evenings and weekends entertaining the boys so my husband can rest. I work an incredibly demanding job and am currently in the end stages of a project that is set to earn our company upwards of seven figures and has been in the works for well over a year. The weekend before our launch, my husband got sick. I’m not trying to be dismissive, but he does not handle being sick well and tends to wallow for days over a simple cold. For context, the last time I was “sick,” I was recovering from a hysterectomy, and had the stomach flu, and he still asked if I could take the boys for a few hours so he could get in some fishing.
Anyway, the day the project was due to launch, my husband asked if I could stay home and take care of the boys, and I told him there was no way I could; not only am I the person responsible for the big red button, but it could have done significant damage to my career if I hadn’t shown up. We don’t have a lot of outside help and our daycare doesn’t do drop-in days, so he had to just tough it out. Everyone survived, and he recovered a day or two later. Now, he’s accused me of being cold and more concerned about my career than our family. Mind you, without my job, we lose everything: our home, our cars, hobbies, vacations, EVERYTHING. My salary is 3x his, and because I work so much, he can stay home with the kids most of the time, which he claims to enjoy. He gets regular breaks, has the chance to pursue his hobbies often (I gave mine up when I got pregnant and haven’t been able to go back yet), and yet he’s saying that he’s the one who is making sacrifices and that he thinks I need to do the same. Um, what? I’m exhausted, resentful, and angry at him for even going there because, like most working moms, I NEVER get a break. Now I’m so angry, I can barely look at him. How do we move forward?
—Overworked Mom
Dear Overworked,
Have you communicated with your husband about how you are feeling and how his criticism has struck you? It seems that he is long overdue for a reality check regarding how your sacrifices make his comfortable life possible. It also seems that you may want to consider making some changes so that you also get to enjoy the life that you are providing for your family. It isn’t fair that you devote your evenings and weekends to being the primary parent so that a man who barely works can have time to indulge in his hobbies, friends, or whatever he’s been doing.
I strongly suggest that the two of you get into marital counseling. If you’ve already spoken to your husband about the imbalance in your household, he may need to hear about it from a neutral party. A counselor or therapist can create a safe space for you to be frank about how you are feeling along with the assistance of someone who can help you try to get your husband to understand.
It’s time for you to reimagine your schedule in a way that works for both you and your husband. He should not be the only one enjoying rest and leisure. Find time for you to sign up for a yoga class, take yourself on a weekly lunch date, reconnect with your friends, or whatever else it is you want to do. And schedule it during some of the hours during which you’d generally be providing child care. You have given your man a very good life, now it’s time to prioritize yourself. He will be fine; he barely works, he doesn’t need five evenings and two days a week to reset! While all families are different, you know it is highly unlikely that a male breadwinner would also be expected to be the primary caregiver. You deserve the same respect as anyone who is literally keeping the lights on in their home.
If things don’t change soon, you are going to only resent your husband more and more. You work a tough job that allows your family to enjoy a nice quality of life, but you won’t be able to do that if you burn yourself out. Caring for 4-year-old twins is a lot. No one person should be expected to do the amount of labor that you’re doing. Make some changes now before your marriage is broken beyond repair—and before you’ve worked yourself down to the bone.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife does not have primary custody of her daughter, “Liz.” Liz decided at 12 that she wanted to live with her father and his wife full time at the other end of the state. My wife was pregnant and devastated. We’ve been together since Liz was six and spent a lot of time trying for a baby after a series of miscarriages. Now, Liz is 16, and our son is 4. Liz is a pretty regular teenager, other than the fact she is very aloof to my family. She just doesn’t want to spend time with them and regularly declines to come see them when she can. It hurts my parents because they went from Grandpa and Grandma to Liz to Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. They send Liz gift cards for holidays, but never get a thank you unless I personally bring it up to Liz.
I don’t push Liz to join us when we see my relatives. I make the offer and respect the decline. The problem is my wife deflects her frustration over Liz onto my family. She claims they only want to spoil our son, and they “push” Liz away. How do you push someone away when they refuse to see you?
This has come to a head because my family planned a vacation to the beach this summer but chose to do it outside of our month with Liz. My wife wanted to know why Liz was not part of the conversation, and my sister said that unless we wanted to drag Liz in by her ear, we all knew she would not want to be there, so it was easier to plan around her not coming at all. The plans were to rent a beach house with a limited number of beds available and we are at max capacity. My wife now doesn’t want to go at all and is upset that I suggested I just take our son. She wants to prove a point and have me boycott the vacation.
I know Liz is close with her stepmother’s family despite not knowing them as long as she’s known mine. I could tell Liz that my family really wants to see and hear from her, and I’ll just get a shrug in response. Again, Liz is a great teenager. She does well in school and never gets in trouble. She is good with her brother. I thank my lucky stars because it could be a lot worse. My wife doesn’t see it that way. How do we deal with this?
—Used to Be Close
Dear Used To,
You need to invite your wife to have an open and honest conversation about Liz’s approach to your family. Ask her why she thinks her daughter would want to come on this vacation when she has rejected your folks for years, even when they send her birthday gifts. Let her know that you, too, wish that things were better with Liz, but that there is no point in pretending they’re different than they are. Explain that you would love for her to join you on the family vacation, but you don’t intend to skip it just because someone who wouldn’t want to be there was invited. Remind her that your parents send Liz birthday gifts each year, but are still treated as largely non-existent. Talk about how things changed with Liz and how it has hurt your family, and I would imagine you, as well. If the two of you can’t come to a peaceful agreement about this summer’s trip, it may be time for marital counseling. Your wife can’t take out her frustrations with her daughter on you, nor should she accuse your family of alienating Liz when she has done that for herself.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex and I have a 7-year-old son together. She has a 12-year-old from a previous relationship and a 4-year-old with her new husband. Our relationship ended around the time our son was a toddler.
My parents and I are taking my son to Disneyland for the first time this summer. He is extremely excited and talks about it all the time. It is causing friction with his half-siblings because there is no way that my ex and her husband could afford to go. Her husband was laid off, and money is tight. I have already talked to my son several times about not rubbing this trip in the faces of his friends and family because it can cause hurt feelings. My ex thinks I need to do more or straight up cancel the trip because it isn’t fair to her other kids. I am irritated that she is putting this all on me and not doing anything on her end. Her other kids have family events that my son isn’t included in, and he understands! It doesn’t help that her husband has made “Disney Dad” cracks at me when we exchange custody of my son. He doesn’t like the fact that I stuck around and share equal custody of my son after he got together with my ex. I don’t want to blow this up anymore than it has been. I could use some advice here.
—Disney Trip
Dear Disney,
All you can do is continue to encourage your son not to talk about his trip with his siblings. Let them know just how difficult it must be for them to hear he’s going to one of the “happiest places on earth” when they don’t have the opportunity to do so, and ask him how he would feel if he were in their shoes. Remind him each time he leaves for their home not to say anything and tell him that if he keeps bringing it up, he won’t be able to go. Then get back to planning an amazing vacation for your family and your son. It isn’t your fault that the other children aren’t able to go, and like you said, they have special experiences that your son isn’t able to participate in, too. There’s no reason to feel guilt or hesitation about this trip; siblings with different parents have different experiences all the time. When you get back, make sure your son doesn’t go to his mother’s house wearing Mickey Mouse gear or gushing about what a good time he had.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve been in a long-term distance relationship for 4 years now where we communicate through video calls mostly; we have made different plans for him to come visit me and my daughter and to get married at some point. However, none of that is happening. He is in the military with a high ranking and he says he cannot travel because his job doesn’t allow him, but my gut tells me that there is something else behind that answer. I have tried to end the relationship, since I don’t feel there is enough honesty from his side, but then I have doubts when he asks me to be more patient. I feel we aren’t going anywhere and I just wonder why. I want to be strong and leave him, but I am just weak when he asks me to hold on.
—Long and Distant
Dear Long,
The writing is on the wall, my love. In four years, a man who claims to have a good government job has not once made the time to come see you. You have planned to attach yourself and your child to a man you have never met. Think about how you’d react if your daughter came to you as an adult with a story like this. It’s time to accept that this man is not being entirely honest with you, if he’s telling you the truth about anything at all. If his job prohibited him from traveling, why would he make plans to visit or marry you? And why haven’t any of these plans panned out? Why hasn’t he flown you to him? It is highly unlikely that this man is who he’s told you he is. Have you been able to Google verify any aspect of his life? An inexpensive people search will get you someone’s name, address, and phone number.
I know you are deeply invested in someone who you’ve spent four years talking with, but you can’t possibly bring a man you have never met into your daughter’s life. You also can’t combine lives with a man who won’t meet you. If he was who he told you he was, you would have proof of that by now. And sure, maybe he is a high-ranking military man who can’t travel, but you can’t marry someone you don’t meet. You’ve given this guy plenty of time to show you that he was real. He hasn’t. It’s time to let go. Download some dating apps and try to find someone who’s actually in your area and ready to meet you. Also, don’t go making plans that involve your child until you are sure of someone’s character.
—Jamilah
