Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for nearly 10 years now, much longer than we were married. I feel happy and confident in my choice. Even periods when I’m single are happier than being married to someone pushy and selfish. But every time I visit my parents, they fantasize about us getting back together. This includes awkward family dinners where he’s invited unannounced and lots of teary complaints from my mom about wanting more grandkids. The one time I introduced a serious boyfriend to my parents, he was negatively compared with my ex and treated coldly. I now keep my dating life separate. My sisters are married to guys my parents like and don’t see the problem. My ex is on his third divorce now, and during his single periods he does seem to always think we’ll get back together. I’ve been polite but clear that I’m not interested.
I’ve mostly dealt with this whole thing by minimizing in-person visits to my parents and hanging up the phone every time the conversation touches the topic. It does seem to have trained my parents for virtual communication, but they’re still like this in person. My mom is about to have surgery, and my dad isn’t strong enough to provide physical care right now. As the only sibling without kids, I need to go down there for a month during her earliest recovery, and I don’t know how to plan for success. What should I be doing to minimize drama with my parents before I go?
—Happy Without Him
Dear Happy Without Him,
It seems to me that you probably chose to marry a pushy and selfish person in part because you were raised by pushy and selfish people. And you have been conditioned, by years of dealing with their pushy and selfish behavior, not to stand up for yourself and to place too much value on being “polite” instead. That’s prevented you from saying things like “You are all out of your mind, and you owe me an apology” when you show up to dinner on more than one occasion and your ex is there. It’s probably also kept you from telling him, “There is absolutely no possibility that we’ll ever get back together. Don’t ask me again.” Say that. Even better, block his number! There’s no reason you two need to be talking.
I do love that you’ve hung up the phone every time your parents bring up the topic. The right way to prepare for your upcoming visit is to let them know that you will be taking a similar approach in person, where the stakes are much higher. “If you mention my ex’s name even one time, I am going to leave and you’ll have to arrange for someone else to come help with the recovery. I don’t want that, so please prepare yourself not to bring him up at all. Do you both understand?”
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. Prudie was out last week, but she’ll still be tackling last week’s tricky situation, which is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve (22f) always had issues with executive function/procrastination. For a while, I convinced myself I had ADHD, but my doctor says it’s not bad enough for a diagnosis. Even if he’s wrong, I can’t afford a second opinion. As an example: I woke up at 8 a.m. today (Saturday) intending to wash my hair (an activity I enjoy). It is 4:30 a.m., and I have just finished doing that. I spent most of the day in bed playing phone games and trying to will myself out of it.
To be fair, this is a bit worse than usual. I have coping mechanisms that work OK. I’m not depressed: not apathetic/suicidal, still love doing my hobbies when I can convince myself to, have a fulfilling part-time job, etc. My life is good overall! But days like this come along often, and I’m constantly behind in school, disappointing my friends, and never sleeping enough. Any tips for someone who’s just naturally more weak-willed than average? Is there some silver bullet Pomodoro-time-audit-life-changing-system I’m missing out on? If I just need to stop being a wimp and suck it up, please tell me!
—It’s Now 5 a.m. Because I Wrote This Letter Instead of Going to Bed
Dear Prudence,
How do I stop complaining about my in-laws to my husband? Don’t get me wrong: They’re amazing people. On one hand, they’re generous, fun, loving, and adventurous. But they can also be demanding, infantilizing, and overly confident. They tend to make remarks about our decor, cooking, or habits, which are said in an all-knowing manner. I know they mean well, but the “We know best” attitude really grates on my nerves. I will usually brush off their comments in the moment, which backfires when, hours, days, or weeks later, I mention it to my husband.
I tend to harp on him about it, then he’s hurt that I am critical of their behavior. (He is sympathetic to me but usually brushes it off as them trying to be helpful.) Recently, he’s been upset when I bring up their behavior because it hurts him when I talk about them in a critical manner. I can’t seem to stop … I do love these people; they just annoy me! How do I spare my husband’s feelings without losing it? I also know it’s not a great idea to vent to friends because I feel as if I am sending the wrong impression about my in-laws. It’s almost like a disease that I can’t seem to shake. I feel terrible for casting judgment on them but also quite lonely in my frustration because I have to cope with it.
—Troubles in Paradise
Dear Troubles in Paradise,
Everyone in this situation gets to say what’s on their mind except you. Everyone’s feelings are being spared except yours. Your in-laws are as happy as they can be, making a steady stream of judgy comments without a care in the world. Your husband gets to tell you when he’s hurt. There’s an assumption that no one except you should be expected to make any changes to function in a family, and that your sensitivity to being indirectly criticized is a “disease,” while everyone else means well and is healthy. They all get to be their authentic selves, and you have to figure out how to have different feelings. I don’t like it! I also don’t think that it’s sustainable.
If you truly think your in-laws are amazing people and you really want a good relationship with them, it’s worth investing some energy into actually improving the relationship. Yes, there will be a little discomfort involved. I would suggest having your husband raise the issue with them, but it sounds as if he’s unlikely to do so. So, why don’t you say something like this: “I love you both so much and I know you mean well, but when you say things like ‘The decor in this living room reminds me of a cheap hotel, but to each her own!’ or ‘I always thought my husband’s wife would cook from scratch—I worry about whether you two are getting enough nutrition’ or ‘It really is better to vacuum every day instead of letting the dust build up,’ it can make me feel criticized and hurts my feelings. Could you try to rein in the remarks about our lifestyle? It would help me appreciate my time with you more without feeling judged or self-conscious. I’m asking you this because I want us to enjoy being around each other.”
It’s worth a shot! If they continue to slip up (and they probably will), you can try a brief “Ouch, that makes me feel terrible about my cooking!” when they do. To be clear, this is not a fight or an attack. You’re not going to say, “I’m so sick of your judgment! I can’t stand you!” You are just going to remind them of how their comments make you feel. And if they really resist or say, “Oh, stop being so sensitive” or just don’t improve at all, vent away to your friends. You are not a publicist for your in-laws and don’t need to manage their reputation. Also, if your friends are left thinking, “Wow those people are really judgy,” that wouldn’t be inaccurate! It will be so good for you to connect with people who really care about how you feel and see things from your perspective—because you’re definitely not getting a lot of that at home.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
I am a stay-at-home mom. I was taking care of my toddler nephew and his two older half-brothers for my brother and his girlfriend until I caught her stealing medication and money from us. Since then, we have banned her from our home and take care of my nephew only when my brother brings him over. My brother broke up with his girlfriend but keeps pestering me to continue to take on all three boys because his girlfriend can’t work and watch them. She might be forced to move out of state, and he would lose his son. I told him we would help him find a lawyer if he wanted to get primary custody but that the woman is never entering my home again. This is splintering my relationship with him. Our parents died when we were young, so we’ve had only each other for a long time. My husband doesn’t even want to take my nephew anymore. Help!
—Boundary and the Baby
Dear Boundary and the Baby,
So, given the choice between using the court system to ensure he doesn’t lose his son to someone who is stealing medications and forcing you to run a day care—which actually provides no guarantee at all that his girlfriend won’t leave the state—your brother is going with “bully my sister into watching three children.” You know this already, but he’s not making any sense, and you don’t have to participate. In fact, you shouldn’t. I think that it’s reasonable to want to continue to take care of your nephew. (After all, that’s your kids’ cousin!)
But there’s no harm in telling your brother, “You’re really stressing me out, and if you keep harassing me over this, my husband is going to want me to stop babysitting your son to give me some space from you and let us have some peace as a family. I don’t want that and you don’t either, so please just accept my ‘no’ and drop it.”
Classic Prudie
I’m a single mom of two (6 and 8), and my boyfriend of a year and a half opened up to me that he thinks I have great kids, but he doesn’t enjoy spending time with them. He’s great with them and does things with us out of love for me. We were about to move in together until he told me this.
