I had a very manic episode in early 2002. I was pretty off the Richter scale, feeling very out of sorts, having grandiose thoughts and delusions. I’d never had any feelings like that before and they came on really quickly. I was completely off the wall and everyone started to get very worried.
I was getting paranoid about the news and world events happening and getting quite influenced. I’d see a terrorist attack on the news and think the same thing was going to happen in Surbiton, south-west London, where I lived at the time. So I felt overwhelmed speculating those kind of events could happen in a localised setting. I started writing things to local and world news outlets about how we could save the world. They eventually blocked me.
My brother eventually called my GP who came and saw me at home and suggested I see the local mental health services. I was prescribed some antipsychotics and put on some mood stabilisers, which settled things down a bit. I started to feel OK, so I stopped taking the medication. I was living off savings by that point and burning through a lot of cash.
I was fine for about six months, trying to piece things back together, but a year later I had another full-blown manic episode when I was sectioned. A psychiatrist had advised me to keep taking the medication but they didn’t explain what would happen if I stopped. If that had been spelt out more clearly I might have given more thought to stopping the treatment.
I started getting very paranoid again with similar thoughts coming back. I remember being in the park walking the dog and there was a police car nearby. I felt very suspicious about the car – things like that were very prominent in my mind. The radio was speaking to me or the television was speaking to me. I felt meaning in every single lyric I’d listen to or every single thing people were saying to me.
My thoughts were gradually getting more disjointed. I was living on my own by that point so nobody was really noticing the changes.
After being very manic all day I landed at a friend’s flat. I was very delusional, so at that point they called my brother and called for help. A social worker was involved and the police came to restrain me. It wasn’t a voluntary sectioning. I was restrained by four police officers in the end.
I was quite lucky as a bed came up at the south London and Maudsley [psychiatric hospital] and spent about 48 hours there before I was discharged. I didn’t really understand the process at all. I was sitting in front of a panel of three guys asking me lots of questions. I had no idea what they really said. I think at that point you just want to get out, say what you need to say to be discharged.
The funny bit for me was by the time I got home there was a brown envelope on the door mat saying I had been sectioned under the Mental Health Act – like I didn’t already know!
I was put under local mental health services and had home treatment for a while. They would pop in and see me for a couple of months then that gradually phased out. I don’t think that was very beneficial to be honest. It was just a case of checking you’re doing ok, not a risk to yourself and taking your medication.
About six months later I was given some group therapy, which was useful, but again I think it’s part of the process of starting to live with bipolar in a sense.
I have up and down periods. My new stabilisers keep me well. I’m learning to live better with bipolar. As you get older you’re more insightful about it. For example, I notice now if I’m starting not to sleep very well, which is a potential trigger. So I try and take time out, liaise with my line manager and maybe take some annual leave. There are things I like to do to wind down, like watching a box set. Other people will have their own things like walking and cycling, crafting hobbies.
And working with Bipolar UK, where I’m deputy chief executive, over the past six years has been an eye-opener. I think I was someone who put their head in the sand for a long time and just carried on. I get a lot from work and I think work keeps me quite balanced. It ensures I stay well. It’s a big part of my life.
I took some time out after my second major episode but I’ve always worked. I’ve been on the same medication – called Sodium Valproate, brand name Epilim – for the past 20 years or so. It’s a dose in the morning and one in the evening.
I didn’t use to disclose the fact I had bipolar in the past. One employer who I did disclose it to told another colleague who was one of their friends, but I found that a bit disconcerting – more gossip than supportive.
Working with Bipolar UK has allowed me to focus on the condition. You start to lose the shame and mental health stigma. You’re aware you’re not alone with it. There are other people who live it, who are very open about it and are very inspiring as a result. I take away a lot when I talk to and visit our volunteer support groups too, because you realise you are not alone and it is complex for everyone – but people do live well with it.
Bipolar is still under-diagnosed. More than one million people in the UK are estimated to have bipolar but about 56 per cent of those are not aware of it. Sometimes people might just not be aware of it. They might not be ready to go and discuss the symptoms with someone. It can also be a challenge for GPs to get someone a secondary care mental health referral. A specialist care pathway simply isn’t there. Often, medics think individuals will only have quite extreme symptoms, such as psychosis, but not everyone with bipolar has psychosis so the diagnosis is missed.
Sometimes people with bipolar are treated for unipolar depression for quite a long time. If someone goes to the GP when they’re low, GPs often don’t ask about past hypomanic or manic symptoms, or about sudden extreme spending habits, or risky behaviour. This can often be a big stumbling block.
If anyone does think they have bipolar, I’d say go and talk about it with your GP. Keep a track of things, the type of mood swings, symptoms and unusual behaviours you’re experiencing so you can tell the doctor take some notes if it helps memory. And get across any high symptoms you are having, not just low ones.
For example, if you’re depressed – anything from a persistent low mood to recurring suicidal thoughts – make sure you tell your doctor if in the past you’ve ever been through periods when you’ve been talking really fast, multi-tasking in all areas of your life, impulsively spending lots of money or putting yourself at risk in potentially dangerous situations.
If you can, it’s helpful to tell them about the range of symptoms you’re having, don’t feel embarrassed, remember you’re not alone with symptoms and it’s important to get help and move forward. Advocacy may help too and asking a trusted friend or family member to accompany to appointments.
One thing I’ve learned over the years about living with bipolar is to make sure you are kind to yourself. We can be quite critical individuals of ourselves at times. Get your support network around you. That could include family and friends, peer support, one of our Bipolar UK support groups or online community. Having a good support network around you can be life-changing, if not life-saving.
There are still massive issues that need to be addressed. Top of that list – a definitive NHS bipolar treatment pathway where you get ongoing support with a named clinician, someone who gets to know you a bit. It’s all about funding as well. We’re still seeing postcode lottery extremes with different areas having access to psychiatrists more quickly than others. That’s a big barrier for people.
To find out more about bipolar disorder and support available visit www.bipolaruk.org