Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 30s and have been married for two years.

My problem is, my husband appears to have lost his libido and we’ve gone from having sex two or three times a week to not having it all. It’s probably been five or six months since we were last intimate, but if feels as if it’s been even longer.

I don’t know how to bring it up with him without turning it into a big deal. He started a new job in February, so he’s had a lot of professional upheaval and I know he feels a lot of financial pressure, too, as I gave up work after our son was born.

I thought the lack of sex would be temporary, but it’s going on too long and I’m starting to get paranoid and wonder if it’s something to do with me or if he could even be seeing someone else.

He seems happy enough in other ways – he says his job is going well and he’s not grumpy at home, so I can’t work out what’s going on.

Please help. I feel too young to be in this situation and want to feel close to my husband again.

Coleen says

Well, maybe he’s stressed or preoccupied with his new job, plus all relationships go through peaks and troughs. But, I’m afraid the only way to find out is to have the conversation.

You can address it without being confrontational. Maybe the way to open would be to tell him you’ve been feeling a bit insecure about yourself and the relationship because of the lack of sex, rather than pointing the finger or accusing him of seeing someone else.

Whatever he has to say is better than ignoring it. We shy away from discussing issues around sex, especially lack of it, because we are worried it will lead to ­embarrassment or conflict, or subconsciously we don’t want to hear what our partner has to say.

Have you tried to initiate sex during this period? If not, maybe he’s thinking you’re not into it, so you must open the lines of communication.

It might well take a few conversations to work through it and that’s OK. If the problem is stress, then you need to talk about ways he can manage it and how you can support him. Find the right time to talk when it’s just the two of you.

If he starts getting defensive, you can help by staying calm and letting him know you’re not here for an argument, but to find a solution.