Monday
“And tomorrow,” I tell the team, “I’m going to Warsaw, to announce a major increase in our support for Ukraine.”
Chris Philp says I’m being very brave, and I should look out for bombs. So I remind him that Warsaw isn’t in Ukraine itself, but in Poland.
“These are different countries?” says Chris.
“Yes, Chris,” I say.
Then I say it’s not just about Ukraine, anyway. Because the threat is growing, and it’s time for us to go on a war footing.
“You bet it is,” says James Cleverly. “Labour are doing really well. And the local elections are going to be a wipeout.”
“He didn’t mean that threat,” says Grant Shapps, meaningfully.
“I’m right here,” says Kemi Badenoch.
“No, you fools,” I snap. “I meant Russia. The threat is Russia.”
Chris says it’s a bit weird to give them more support, then.
“Oh for God’s sake,” I say. “Somebody tell him.”
Tuesday
Here in Warsaw, the Polish PM Donald Tusk congratulates me on finally getting my flagship Rwanda policy through the Houses of Parliament.
“Thank you!” I say. “Because I’m fully confident that everyone will now see that it’s actually a really good idea to spend up to £2 million per person to send a small handful of people to a country on the other side of the world that is only safe because we changed the law in order to say so!”
“Hmmm,” says Tusk.
“Oh God,” I say. “Do you think I’ve made a mistake?”
“In saying that out loud?” says Tusk. “Definitely.”
“Look, I had to do something,” I tell him. “The polls are completely appalling.”
“Actually,” snaps Tusk, “we Poles are the backbone of your construction industry. And anyway, these days we earn more by staying at home.”
Wednesday
Now I’m in Germany. I’ve just left Olaf Scholz when Oliver Dowden calls to say that something has happened at PMQs. “Angela Rayner,” he says, “called you a ‘pint-sized loser’.”
I’m not sure what to think about this. Although Oliver says it might work in our favour, because everybody will think she’s a total hypocrite.
“She’s small, too?” I say. “Never noticed. Must be the heels.”
Oliver says he actually meant the “pint” thing. Because she’s a lefty and a Europhile. So she should have called me a “570ml-sized loser” if anything.
“Thank you, Oliver,” I say, bitterly.
“No problem,” he says, ringing off.
Thursday
I’ve just got back when Chris turns up in a terrible flap. So I call Jeremy Hunt over from the flat next door, and we sit him down to find out what’s wrong.
“I’ve messed up,” he says. “I was just on Question Time. And I admitted that I didn’t know Rwanda and Congo were different countries.”
“That does sound bad,” I say.
“Although on the other hand,” says Jeremy, “countries are really hard. Remember, I once said my wife was Japanese. And she’s from China.”
Chris says this makes him feel a lot better.
“My God,” I say. “What’s wrong with you all? How can you not know where your wife is from?”
Jeremy asks if that means I definitely know where mine is from, then.
“Of course I do!” I say. “You idiot!”
Jeremy just looks at me.
“Wait,” I say. “Unless you mean for tax reasons?”
Friday
“Look,” says Oliver. “I know the ‘pint-sized loser’ thing really stung. But there’s one obvious way to prove that woman wrong.”
“Heels,” agrees Gillian Keegan.
Oliver says he actually meant defying the critics and doing stormingly well in the local elections.
“The man’s a genius,” says Michael Gove.
“Thank you,” says Oliver.
Although then I say it’s really all about perspective.
“Exactly,” says Gillian. “Just stand on a box.”
But I don’t mean that. Defence is good territory for us. Labour struggles there. Also, we’ve almost made Rwanda happen. That might give us a lead on immigration. And to top it all, apparently the Scottish government is close to collapsing in chaos.
“Gosh,” says Michael. “A government close to collapsing in chaos. Imagine.”
Chris says he’s just glad Scotland is another country.
“I mean, isn’t it?” he asks, cautiously, but nobody knows.
*according to Hugo Rifkind
