Dear Caroline: My bullying partner is tearing my family apart
Q My adult daughter has ‘tolerated’ my outspoken partner of 18 years. However, after a recent heated exchange, she has told me that she and her boyfriend have had enough of his bullying outbursts and refuse to see him again.
I have shed tears envisaging the future without our fun meals out, holidays and family get-togethers. I understand her decision and know she won’t change her mind – which, for my sake, she has done in the past. I’m so torn because I fear that if I was to confront my partner over this it would lead to me walking away from what is in essence a contented, loving relationship.
I feel heartbroken that the bond I have with my daughter might change because of this.
A Your letter makes me so sad because I suspect there is a lot more to the situation than you describe – and I would hate to think that your relationship with your daughter might be damaged beyond repair. You say your partner is outspoken, your daughter and her boyfriend have complained of his bullying outbursts and that these are so bad that they refuse to see him ever again.
You also say that you might be on the point of walking away yourself (yet still describe it as ‘a contented, loving relationship’). This gives me the impression of a man who is unreasonable and possibly very unpleasant.
So, unfortunately, you need to ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you sure that this is a loving relationship or does your fear of confrontation, perhaps even of your partner, mean you always give in? Are you deceiving yourself that it is better than it is? I wonder if the breakdown or ending of the relationship with your daughter’s father has had such a damaging effect on you that you can’t face going through that again.
Are you putting up with a far-from-ideal relationship because you fear being alone? Ask yourself if your daughter could be right about this man, that he is a bully. It is damning that they never want to see him again.
So unless they are difficult personalities themselves, ask yourself what that says about your partner. It would be tragic if you had to choose between your partner and your daughter and lost that close relationship with her.
If your partner truly loved you, I believe he would be devastated that he had upset your daughter so much – and would strive hard to mend things. I know that should your relationship with your daughter and her boyfriend disintegrate you would not only stop loving your partner, you would start to resent him, too.
These are painful thoughts to contemplate and I’m sure it is a difficult road ahead, so I urge you to seek individual counselling with relate.org.uk to support you and help you decide what to do.
I want my big birthday to be special
Q I am fed up with my husband’s selfish family. Unfortunately, I share a birthday with one of my husband’s brothers, and every year we are all expected to get together for a birthday meal.
This has been going on for decades. However, his family is huge (my husband is one of four siblings, I’m an only child) and it always ends up with my birthday being overshadowed. I’m not petty, and I am perfectly able to celebrate my birthday my way on a different day with my husband, so I have put up with it.
However, next year is going to be my 50th and I would like to go on holiday for my birthday, just the two of us. My husband says he would really like this too but he is worried about upsetting his family. Am I wrong to be annoyed with him for not being able to put me first?
A You are not wrong: I can see that this must feel as though your husband is always putting you second to his family. However, it doesn’t sound as though this is because he sees your needs as less important. I think it is because you are so tolerant that your needs have never held sway.
His family sound dominant and I think he might do what they want because they will make more of a fuss if he doesn’t, whereas you might get a bit annoyed by it – but he knows that you are more accommodating.
However, this is a landmark birthday and you shouldn’t be the one who has to bend. So talk to him and say that you don’t want to upset his family either, but that next year he will have to be more assertive and explain to them that they will have to change their celebrations by a week or two if they want you both to be there.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
