I discovered my best friend’s upsetting secret after his death
DEAR DEIDRE: Sorting through my best friend’s affairs after his sudden death I was devastated to discover his secret - he’d had an affair for years with my wife.
Now I’m wrestling with the pain of this double betrayal and don’t know if I should end my marriage.
I’m 57 and my wife is 55. We’ve been married for 30 years.
My best friend was a huge part of my life from our college days, until he died aged 56, a year ago.
I had no idea that for five years, about a decade ago, he and my wife had been cheating.
Worse, she was planning to leave me, to be together.
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Our marriage was generally good. Over the years, our sex life diminished, but I believed this to be normal.
I certainly never suspected she was unfaithful - let alone with my closest friend.
Last year, he died suddenly from a massive stroke. I was devastated.
As his best friend and executor to his will, I agreed to help his wife sort through his possessions, when she was finally ready.
I was going through his paperwork when I found a folder hidden away at the back of his desk.
To my absolute horror, it contained photographs of my wife, and love letters.
They discussed how and when they would come clean about their affair, and their plans to leave.
Eventually, the affair fizzled out.
Since then, I haven’t been able to sleep. I did ask my wife if she’d ever cheated on me, but she denied it.
I haven’t told my late friend’s wife what I discovered.
I still love my wife but I don’t see how I can stay married to her, knowing what I know.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a horrific betrayal, made worse by the fact your friend has died, so you can’t ever confront him.
It’s possible for couples to stay together after an affair, but it requires complete honesty and effort from both partners.
You need to talk to your wife again and tell her what you’ve found out. Then, if she is willing to explain and wants to make your marriage work, you need to discuss how you can repair it.
My support pack, Cheating, Can you Get Over It?, should help you.
Also think about counselling - my support pack on this tells you more.
As for your late friend’s wife, perhaps it’s best to say nothing.
It’s possible she already knows or suspects, but hearing it from you would only cause her more pain.