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So…you're in love. All of the signs are there. You've been daydreaming about the object of your affection all day long. You've been doodling their name in your notebook. You've started absent-mindedly opening your chat with them on WhatsApp just in case they've messaged you. You've imagined that magical moment when you finally get together over and over and over again.
It certainly sounds like love, right? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you might actually have found yourself falling not in love, but in limerence.
What is limerence, you ask? “Limerence, in its simplest form, is the feeling that someone is your absolute 'perfect match' who is always inconveniently out of reach due to various factors," explains Rachel Rose, relationship and boundaries coach and author of Date Your Worth, Not Your Wound.
In other words, it's a state of infatuation and obsession that mimics love, but has some potentially dangerous side effects — for everyone involved.
The experts weigh in on their aphrodisiac effects.
Although limerence can feel a lot like love, the feelings of infatuation stem from an idealised version of the other person. “This can be someone you’ve had a romantic history with, or intriguingly, someone you’ve never actually been with at all,” says Rose.
“What makes limerence different from genuine, healthy love is that it's rooted in an overwhelming need to feel wanted but by an idealised version of the person, not the real them,” she adds. “It’s not love as it truly is, but love as we wish it to be.”
It's also not quite the same as unrequited love. As Rachel explains, it “burns hotter and longer.” Plus, it doesn't naturally fade because it is “fuelled by fantasy, not reality, meaning there is an endless mental supply that can keep the imagination going.”
And what does it look like in practice? "For some, it manifests as a passing daydream. But for others, it can escalate into full-blown obsession, disrupting daily life and sabotaging real, grounded relationships."
So, how do we end up in this cycle of fantasy and obsession that feels so much like love?
“Limerence is deeply neurological, in other words, it lives in the mind,” Rose explains.
It often stems from an insecure attachment style in which we learn to “associate love with longing…even when it’s one-sided.” She adds, “As adults, this can show up as infatuations that feel simultaneously thrilling and tormenting.”
Once the limerence cycle starts, it's hard to stop. “What makes limerence so addictive is the uncertainty factor — that ‘maybe’ or ‘what if’ that lights up the brain’s reward system like the jackpot lights on a fruit machine.”
How is limerence different than love?
Real love, says Rose, involves reciprocity and real understanding of the other person.
“It starts with a spark of infatuation, sure, but it settles into something deeper which is an appreciation of each other’s real, messy, wonderful selves,” she goes on. “It’s a connection that grows from shared experiences, not imagined ones.”
Because limeraece is fuelled by our own fantasies, it isn't quite the same. “Your mind builds an entire life around them,” she says. “You imagine who they are, what they love, how you’d be together and more often than not, overlooking reality altogether.”
The OG manifesting queen is psychic to the stars, such as Fearne Cotton and Charlotte Tilbury.
What's so dangerous about limerence?
When we confuse a fantastical obsession with love, it can become dangerous. Just take Netflix's You! “Joe Goldberg embodies the obsessive nature of it perfectly,” notes Rose. “There are examples in the series where he has a brief encounter with women and immediately begins to spiral into fantasies, narrating their imagined love story in his head. It’s often intense and entirely disconnected from reality which is classic limerence.”On the show, Joe Goldberg doesn’t fall in love in the traditional sense, he becomes consumed."
Of course, most of us won't end up turning into Joe Goldbergs. However, it can still be harmful.
“It’s hard to predict where limerence will lead, especially if it intersects with mental health struggles or a history of obsessive behaviour,” says Rose. “In extreme cases, it can even result in stalking or other serious actions. It can last for several years or even decades and quietly rob someone of the chance to build genuine, fulfilling relationships. Why? Because no real-life partner can ever compete with a fantasy. The limerent person controls every detail in their head, making it impossible for anyone else to measure up. It often takes professional help to break the spell and begin the healing process.”
Because loving yourself is self-care.
